- Axl Heck: It shouldn't be an assignment. They're forcing me to help people against my will. I don't know. Doesn't that seem like communism or something? I - Did I use that right?
- Brick Heck: [reading from journal] "Went to library. Someone checked out 'The Pelican Brief' and never returned it. I wonder if it was me."
- Brick Heck: Hey, wasn't Easter in April?
- Frankie Heck: Oh, good, yes, Easter. Okay, what did we do for Easter?
- Axl Heck: Oh, nice job, Mom. You forgot to do Easter. You owe me a pound of jelly beans and a ham.
- Frankie Heck: Oh shoot. And wasn't there some birthday in April, too?
- Axl Heck: Uh, yeah, Jesus.
- Mike Heck: That's Christmas. And the birthday was mine.
- Frankie Heck: Oh. Damn. Happy Birthday.
- Brick Heck: I'll write about how we took Dad to a Pacers game to celebrate.
- Mike Heck: Thanks, buddy, I would have enjoyed that.
- Axl Heck: How great is this? I got the Time with Tots kids putting meals together for the hungry shut-ins. I'm racking up double hours here. I mean... Hey, Tito! Keep your head in the game. You forgot to put an orange in that one.
- Mike Heck: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this sweatshop down.
- Axl Heck: But I can't pack these boxes myself. And what about the tots? I'm their role model.
- Mike Heck: Well, then life dealt them a bad hand again. Now, start reading to these boys. And then when you're done you can pack boxes yourself. Alone.
- Axl Heck: Oh God, this is so unfair. Ugh! You kids are lucky you don't have dads.
- Frankie Heck: [narrating] This was it. The moment she'd been waiting for. The moment Sue'd finally get the recognition she deserved.
- Mr. Sholin: Our perfect attendance award recipient - Barb Heckie.
- Axl Heck: You never say anything nice to me. You always act like I screw up. All I know is, I've got two jobs while I go to school. I never miss a sports practice. I took that weird wizard girl to prom. I do plenty of good stuff.
- Mike Heck: You really think that? That I don't say anything nice to you?
- Axl Heck: [sighing] I don't know. Sometimes.
- Mike Heck: Yeah, well, you kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Axl Heck: Really? You must have a really sucky life.
- Mike Heck: Yes, I do.