Shared with you
- [Bernadette is getting her Ph.D]
- Penny: Wow! So that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor... and Howard, you know a lot of doctors!
- Penny: What happened to Leonard?
- Sheldon Cooper: Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm the new Homo in town!
- [pause]
- Raj Koothrappali: That came out wrong.
- Sheldon Cooper: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
- Penny: Monkeys!
- Sheldon Cooper: When does a monkey have a trunk?
- Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
- [Penny and Raj laugh]
- Sheldon Cooper: All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.
- [Bernadette is getting her Ph.D]
- Penny: Wow! So that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor... and Howard, you know a lot of doctors!
- Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her Ph.D.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's indeed admirable. Although it is microbiology.
- Sheldon Cooper: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony." Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing here?
- Raj Koothrappali: I was sleeping.
- Leonard Hofstadter: In my bed?
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, I would sleep in my own bed, except it's being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
- Sheldon Cooper: The apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminescent paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
- Raj Koothrappali: You're kidding.
- [Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor]
- Sheldon Cooper: I never kid about safety.
- Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing here?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: I said, what are you doing here?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I live here.
- Sheldon Cooper: I have paperwork that says differently.
- Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
- Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
- Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
- Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well er, to paraphrase Shakespeare - It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
- Raj Koothrappali: What's wrong with me, Penny?
- Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
- Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
- Howard Wolowitz: Why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
- Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
- [first lines]
- Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
- Sheldon Cooper: [the gang mutters consent] Sure.
- Penny: 'Kay. Priya?
- Priya Koothrappali: I'll have the Shepherd's pie.
- [to Leonard]
- Priya Koothrappali: You want to split that with me?
- Penny: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
- Priya Koothrappali: Why not?
- Penny: Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust... your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's day balloon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not quite accurate. Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?
- Raj Koothrappali: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill, and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah, Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know she used to date Howard?
- Penny: [to Raj after Leonard leaves] Explain something to me. You watched Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think: "Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that?".
- [last lines]
- Penny: [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What is going on?
- Penny: [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
- [embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]
- Sheldon Cooper: What does it look like?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my hands are magic!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nrevous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
- Priya Koothrappali: I feel ridiculous in this dress.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for... inspection.
- Raj Koothrappali: Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's up?
- Raj Koothrappali: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory-foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
- Penny: Hey Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's "pennygetyourownwifi", no spaces.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They're gonna pay me a butt-load of money!
- Howard Wolowitz: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette, that's great. Howard, do you make a butt-load?
- Howard Wolowitz: Better than what you got a butt-load of.
- Priya Koothrappali: You remember Rajesh's friend, Leonard?
- Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
- Priya Koothrappali: He has many friends.
- Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
- Mrs. Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?