- Agnes Brown: What do you want, Grandad?
- Grandad Brown: I don't feel well.
- Agnes Brown: You're ninety-two, you're not supposed to fucking feel well!
- Dr. Flynn: [examining Grandad] I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.
- Agnes Brown: Ooh.
- Dr. Flynn: Can you help me, Mrs Brown?
- Agnes Brown: [ecstatic] With fucking pleasure!
- [blows air into a rubber glove]
- Cathy Brown: Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it? No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they?
- Agnes Brown: Where did I leave my violin?
- Cathy Brown: I'm going to me room.
- Agnes Brown: Go to your room Oh, Jesus! How could you do that? How could you beat your mother?
- Cathy Brown: I brushed off you!
- Agnes Brown: You beat me! Oh, my Jesus It's gone dead! It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin' Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left! It's spreading Oh!
- Agnes Brown: Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! Cathy!
- Cathy Brown: I'm going!
- Agnes Brown: Is she still there?
- Cathy Brown: This is ridiculous!
- Agnes Brown: Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please Cathy, let me explain! Cathy Cath Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs! You saw that, now. I was minding my own business and she feckin' attacked me! This is because she forgot the feckin' badges. I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child she's feckin' gone!