Mass Effect 3 (2012 Video Game)
Brandon Keener: Garrus Vakarian
Quotes
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Garrus Vakarian : All right, my turn. What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Uh... I give up.
Garrus Vakarian : [laughs] Correct!
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Hohoho, all right, big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster?
Garrus Vakarian : Friendly fire. Come on, that one goes back to Shanxi.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Eh, you gotta respect the classics.
Garrus Vakarian : How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Six hundred and two. Six hundred to vote on it, one to ask the asari for technical help, and one to request a seat on the Council afterward. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?
Garrus Vakarian : He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?
Garrus Vakarian : Oh, absolutely. I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : All right, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
Garrus Vakarian : So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : [laughs] Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey, what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?
Garrus Vakarian : Figuring out which side took the rocket.
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Commander Shepard - Male : What're you up to now, Zaeed?
Zaeed Massani : Next time another clone of yours tries stealing your life, we'll have a nice little surprise rigged for them. Isn't that right, Garrus?
Garrus Vakarian : [Over Zaeed's radio] Spared no expense.
Zaeed Massani : So, in walks your clone, takes a look around, sees this great hot tub and says to themself, "hey, I fancy a dip."
Garrus Vakarian : Big mistake.
Zaeed Massani : Huge. The minute they put so much as a toe in the water, a timer starts counting down.
Commander Shepard - Male : To what?
Zaeed Massani : Arma-fucking-geddon. Thirty seconds later, this baby heats right up.
Commander Shepard - Male : And then what?
Zaeed Massani : You ever swim a few laps on the surface of the sun? No? Well, your clone will be. Heh-heh. That'll teach 'em.
Commander Shepard - Male : But what if I want to use the hot tub?
Zaeed Massani : Covered that. It's keyed to your DNA.
Commander Shepard - Male : But a clone would have the same DNA as me.
Zaeed Massani : Goddamned clone.
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Garrus Vakarian : It's a brilliant tactic when you think about it.
Ensign Copeland : But it's evil!
Garrus Vakarian : When has that ever mattered in war?
Ensign Copeland : Yeah, but... converting other lifeforms into Reapers? I can't wrap my head around that.
Garrus Vakarian : Makes sense to me. It ensures you never run out of cannon fodder. Eliminates any local resistance. And for every soldier you add, your enemy loses two: the one you converted, and his buddy on the other side who can't pull the trigger on a friend.
Ensign Copeland : You sound like you admire them.
Garrus Vakarian : Same way I admire a virus or a thresher maw. They've adapted perfectly to their situation.
Ensign Copeland : But the Reapers want to destroy us!
Garrus Vakarian : And I have no intention of letting them. But if you don't respect your enemy's capabilities, you're in for one nasty surprise after another.
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Urdnot Wrex : I appreciate the assist, Garrus.
Garrus Vakarian : Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne. Forgot how to hold a gun.
Javik : He wouldn't be king then, would he?
Urdnot Wrex : Who's that?
Commander Shepard - Male : He's a prothean.
Urdnot Wrex : Sometimes I'm not sure if the Normandy's a war ship or a travelling freak show.
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Garrus Vakarian : Too bad you weren't here earlier tali. We could've used you on Tuchanka.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : I've heard. I can't believe the genophage is really cured.
Garrus Vakarian : Shepherd is on a roll. I figure if we pulled that off, we've got a shot of sorting the geth out.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : I don't know, the genophage didn't carry rifles and fight back.
Garrus Vakarian : No but there was a scary bit with the mother of all tharsher maws.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : The what?
Garrus Vakarian : Long story. Nobody will believe it anyway.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : With You, Garrus, I'd believe just about anything.
Garrus Vakarian : Oh? We should play poker sometime. Anyway it's good to have you back. Now, believe it or not, this damn gun still needs calibrating.
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Garrus Vakarian : Everybody was fighting the Rachni, trying to push them back through the relay. Finally the Krogan were turned loose and stopped them.
Javik : I see.
Garrus Vakarian : But when the Krogan rebelled, we had to deploy the genophage to stop them. Wasn't the only rebellion. A thousand years later, the Geth revolted against the Quarians. That was a whole other war. Then along came the humans. My own people tangled with them for a while. And now, to top it all off, we've got the Reapers. What about you?
Javik : The Oravores fought the Densorin. The Enduromi conquered the Vandomar. And the Zha'til turned against the Zha.
Garrus Vakarian : So... I guess nobody really ever gets their act together.
Javik : The Synril claimed to have found the path to eternal peace.
Garrus Vakarian : What happened?
Javik : The Ditakur preferred war and wiped them out.
Garrus Vakarian : I hope you guys had alcohol.
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Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : 67: holmium. Very reactive, very magnetic!
Garrus Vakarian : You know, turian parties don't usually end with someone reciting the elements.
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : 68: erbium. Atomic weight: 167 and change!
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : Right, my turn. 69...
Jack : In your dreams!
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : What? I don't get it.
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : I'll explain later.
Garrus Vakarian : It's thulium in case anyone cared. Turians have trace amounts of it in our skin. Protects us from solar radiation.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : Nerrrrrrrrd!
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Garrus Vakarian : Forgive the insubordination, but this old friend has an order for you. Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this.
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Urdnot Wrex : [over the intercom] I'll assume you didn't know about this. My good friend wouldn't hide the fact that his people planted a doomsday bomb on my planet, right?
Garrus Vakarian : Wrex, I was just as much in the dark as you. Honest.
Urdnot Wrex : [laughs] That's all I needed to hear. Just making you sweat, Garrus. Wasn't sure you could - you're always so calm.
Garrus Vakarian : I'd be happy to give Krogan some lessons on relaxing.
Urdnot Wrex : And we'd be happy to feed you to a thresher maw. Wrex out.
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Garrus Vakarian : I am Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favourite spot on the Citadel.
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Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
Commander Shepard - Male : Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : It's good to be back on the Normandy.
Commander Shepard - Male : Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : Hmm.
Garrus Vakarian : Uh, I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.
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Garrus Vakarian : You sure you wanna play this game?
Lt. James Vega : What's the matter, Vakarian, you chicken?
Garrus Vakarian : I don't even know what that is... though I've heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it. But if you're suggesting I'm scared, game on, Vega.
Lt. James Vega : Age before wisdom.
Garrus Vakarian : Okay. Back in my C-Sec days, I busted a batarian spy ring that was trying to assassinate a Councilor.
Lt. James Vega : Please! I fought off a dozen angry batarians on Omega singlehandedly. Used one of 'em as a landing pad off a three-story jump.
Garrus Vakarian : Just warming up, seeing what you had. Now, I tracked down this guy Saren, stopped him from raising a geth army and unleashing the Reapers three years ago.
Lt. James Vega : Doesn't count, you did that with Shepard.
Garrus Vakarian : You're right. I WAS with Shepard. From the very beginning.
Lt. James Vega : That just means you're old.
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Urdnot Wrex : Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best - saving everyone else from giant monsters.
Garrus Vakarian : Never going to let us forget about the Rachni Wars, are you?
Urdnot Wrex : Last time I was at the Citadel, I didn't see a turian statue in your honor.
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Garrus Vakarian : At least we killed Lieutenant-Bastard Kai Leng, I just hope we get to do the same for his general.
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Commander Shepard - Male : How about a dip in the pool?
Garrus Vakarian : You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning.
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Garrus Vakarian : Good to have you back, Tali. Maybe with another dextro aboard, they'll get better turian food.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : As long as it's sterilized.
Garrus Vakarian : Dr. Michel did get me some dextro-amino chocolate. You're welcome to it once we're back.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : She got you turian chocolate?
Garrus Vakarian : She said she saw it and thought of me. Why?
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : [Coyly] Oh, nothing...
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Urdnot Wrex : Damn it, out of all of the Turians out there, I had to make friends with one who thinks he's funny.
Garrus Vakarian : Well how do you think I feel? I'm supposed to hate you, but instead you warmed my heart with your winning personality.
Urdnot Wrex : I could throw a few Salarians off a cliff if it'll make you feel better.
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Garrus Vakarian : Tali's a welcome face around here... or, well, a welcome face behind a helmet, I guess.
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Garrus Vakarian : Forgive the insubordination, but your boyfriend has an order for you... come back alive.
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Urdnot Wrex : I prefer my salarian liver served raw!
[the salarian soldiers glare at Wrex]
Garrus Vakarian : I hear vorcha prefer it grilled.
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Garrus Vakarian : So, Shepard, you can serve this swill but can you drink it?
Commander Shepard - Male : Someone has to drive you all home.
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : Are we sure the Normandy is still there? Has anyone else tried to steal it?
Kasumi Goto : [Uncloaks behind Traynor] Stealing the Normandy? Now there's an idea!
[Cloaks again]
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : Wait, what? Who?
Commander Shepard - Male : Traynor, you still have your toothbrush?
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : We can always *hic* get another Normandy. Call up *hic* Cerberus, and ask them to please build us the SR-3.
Samara : But wouldn't that require you to change your name? Tali'Zorah von Normandy SR-3?
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : It's VAS Normandy. *hic* Von means "one who has a weak bladder." Which feels appropriate right about now.
Garrus Vakarian : We've seen a lot of good times on the old girl.
Dr. Liara T'Soni : That we have.
Samara : Indeed.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : Hear, hear.
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : Some of you more than others. I'm just honored to have squeaked in.
Commander Shepard - Male : To the Normandy.
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[while telling war stories]
Lt. James Vega : You been through a lot, Scars.
Garrus Vakarian : You giving up?
Lt. James Vega : Nah, I got more. Just don't like to talk about it.
Garrus Vakarian : Fair enough. We've all got one of those.
Lt. James Vega : Just one, huh?
Garrus Vakarian : Yeah. Not every story has a happy ending.
Lt. James Vega : Except there was this one time I teamed up with a turian named Garrus Vakarian. He was pretty good with a gun, but he thought he was some kinda hotshot.
Garrus Vakarian : Yeah. Yeah, I knew this wise-ass marine named Jimmy Vega. Sounds like a pole dancer on Omega. Always got on my nerves. But the kid was all right. Had guts when it counted.
Lt. James Vega : And together they cured the genophage.
Garrus Vakarian : And stopped Cerberus from taking over the Citadel.
Lt. James Vega : And finally kicked the Reapers from this galaxy and into the next.
Garrus Vakarian : With a little help from their friends.
Lt. James Vega : Nah, it was just us. But mostly me.
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[Joker challenges Cortez to a drinking contest]
Lieutenant Steve Cortez : You're in for a rough time, Moreau. Vega and I are neck-and-neck when it comes to holding liquor.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Oh, yeah? Here we go, shot one.
[Cortez takes the shot]
Lieutenant Steve Cortez : Ugh! What the hell is that? Tastes like the north end of a southbound goat!
Garrus Vakarian : Bad move, Cortez. He wanted the duel, and he also picked the weapon.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : I brought my own batch, bro! Three parts horse choker and one part antiseptic mouthwash.
Lieutenant Steve Cortez : That's not even a drink!
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : And yet here are our second shots... unless you wanna give up?
Urdnot Wrex : Ah, this is all over. I'm gonna find a gun and let a few rounds off.
Javik : I am sober enough. I will join you.
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Have fun, try not to kill the neighbors. Cortez?
Lieutenant Steve Cortez : [sighs] Gimme your damn horse choker.
[takes the shot]
Lieutenant Steve Cortez : Mother of God, you are going nowhere near the shooting range, just make it stop!
Jeff 'Joker' Moreau : Yeah, I think we're done here.
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Garrus Vakarian : So is this the Traynor-Shepard love nest? I hope we aren't interrupting anything you two might have been... planning.
Lieutenant Samantha Traynor : Oh, we don't plan that kind of thing. We're all about spontaneity, losing ourselves in the... uh. Right, we were just playing chess.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy : So, "checkmate" takes on a new meeting, I guess?
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[while telling war stories]
Garrus Vakarian : Still think you can win this, huh?
Lt. James Vega : I can do this all day, Scars.
Garrus Vakarian : Funny you mention those. Ever hear the name Archangel?
Lt. James Vega : I might've.
Garrus Vakarian : You know you have. I'm Archangel.
Lt. James Vega : Maybe I heard somethin' about that too.
Garrus Vakarian : Hmm. So maybe you also heard that, for a couple months there, the crime rate on Omega mysteriously dropped while Archangel did a little... housecleaning.
Lt. James Vega : So you ran a cleaning service on Omega. Back on Fehl Prime, I uncovered a pair of Harvesters. Had to kill 'em by myself.
Garrus Vakarian : Two wormnecks, that's... almost impressive.
Lt. James Vega : Oh, that's not even the best part. They left behind an egg. It hatched, and I trained it to let me fly it.
Garrus Vakarian : [scoffs] The Alliance teach you to make up crap like that, or did you figure it out all by yourself?
Lt. James Vega : It's a gift.