- Tom Tucker: Holy shit that just turned out, awful. Joyce, do your thing.
- Joyce Kinney: Thanks, Tom. Pornography, the very word conjures up the images and red light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn of the century pornograph machine.
- Early pornographer: Whoahoho, Sweet Mary!
- Joyce Kinney: But it seems pornography has found our way to its neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.
- Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then.
- Stewie Griffin: [with Lois at the grocery store] My God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean, look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. I mean, wh-who is that for?
- [Lois takes a package of foil off the shelf]
- Stewie Griffin: No, Lois, don't get that one! Get the one with the lion in overalls!
- Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.
- Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for...
- Pastor: Leave this house of God!
- Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life.
- Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn.
- Lois Griffin: But Father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say "a porn"?
- Pastor: Yes.
- Lois Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kind of weird.
- Pastor: What?
- Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say "you made porn" or "you made a porno". You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong.
- Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?
- [the altar boys nod]
- Priest: Let me remind you all that this Saturday at 5:00 p.m., we'll have vespers, not to be confused with with the Italian motor scooter.
- [the congregation laughs politely, with Lois cackling audibly louder]
- Lois Griffin: Vespers!
- Priest: And don't forget, next weekend we will have the Sunday afternoon family picnic, as God said to Noah, weather permitting.
- [more polite laughter and Lois' loud cackling]
- Lois Griffin: Stop it!
- Priest: And another reminder, when you arrive to Mass, please do not park behind the rectory. As the Corinthians said to the Galatians, "That's my land."
- Lois Griffin: [roaring with laughter again] Oh, ho, ho! Look out, Gallagher!
- Peter Griffin: Stop kissing ass.
- Lois Griffin: [getting a tour of the television news station] Oh, this is all so fascinating. You must have so many stories.
- Joyce Kinney: Well, look, If you want to grab a drink with me later tonight, I'd be happy to tell you some.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, I would love to. Look at me, huh? Stepping out on the town with a big celebrity.
- Joyce Kinney: Well, I think you're exaggerating.
- Lois Griffin: No, you're a lady big shot, like Miss Piggy.
- [cut to backstage at "The Muppet Show", where Kermit has a black eye, bandages around where his ribs would be, and is on crutches]
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit, what happened to the "Bears in Space" sketch?
- Kermit the Frog: Sorry, it's "Pigs in Space" now. There's been a change.
- Fozzie Bear: What?
- Kermit the Frog: There's been a change!
- Lois Griffin: [bumping into Joyce at the store] Excuse me, Ms. Kinney? I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Lois Griffin. I-I am a huge fan, and I just think you are doing a fantastic job. And after what I went through with Diane Simmons, well, let me just say it's nice to be standing here with no one trying to murder me.
- Stewie Griffin: [in the cart, with one of his ray guns aimed at her] Yeah, no, you're fine.