- Fred Lennon: Nothing like a valley great thrashing the beef up your thirst. What say we toddle on down the pub?
- Murry Wilson: There's action beef in your purse so you want to show a poodle your pud? You degenerate...
- Fred Lennon: I said, let's go get smashed.
- Murry Wilson: Now you're talking my language! This anger management jazz worked out pretty well after all! I feel great!
- Neighbor: [to Michael Jackson] If there's one thing I hate more than a Jehovah's Witness, it is a black man who is a white woman who is a Jehovah's Witness! Sic 'em, King.
- Murry Wilson: Parents today are afraid to discipline their kids. Why, I once smeared Brian with steak sauce and threatened to feed him to a wolverine because he forgot to say please.
- Murry Wilson: Are you kidding? That's excellent advice! What's your name again, pal?
- Joe Jackson: Joe. Joe Jackson. Father of The Jackson 5!
- Murry Wilson: The Jackson 5, huh? I caught them on TV. Great act! They'd be huge if they were white!
- Joe Jackson: Actually, my son Michael is having himself surgically converted into a white person as we speak against my wishes.
- Seminar Host: Time out, gentlemen! I am so angry I could tinkle! All you men talk about is what your children can do for you. Why not do something for them?
- Joe Jackson: Do something for them?
- Murry Wilson: What say we give him a taste of leather, boys?
- [the fathers unsheathe their belts]
- Seminar Host: Now, remember! Anger is the fuel that drives us to self-destruction!
- [they beat him up]
- Seminar Host: Murry, you need to realize that anger is the fuel that drives us to self-destruction.
- Murry Wilson: Do you want to know what anger is? It's a voice that says "You're son to The Beach Boys and you're not. They get the girls and you get the shaft." It says "I'm a bottle of rum and I dare you to drink me!"
- Joe Jackson: You should try beating your sons' head with their own gold records. That's what I do when my kids get out of line.
- Seminar Host: Mr. Jackson!
- Joe Jackson: Sorry.
- Seminar Host: Anger is the voice of your inner child saying "check your watch, mister. It's time to love me".
- Murry Wilson: Aw, Jesus Christ!
- Seminar Host: Let's welcome our newest member: Mr. Murry Wilson! Come and tell us what brought you here, Murr!
- Murry Wilson: My wife made me come due to a little misunderstanding. We ran out of martini olives, so naturally I tried to beat up the house.
- [cutaway gag to Murry beating up his house]
- Murry Wilson: Oh, you stupid house! Oh, house! Oh, I'll get you!