House M.D. (TV Series)

A Pox on Our House (2010)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Robert Chase : This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.

  Dr. Gregory House : [waves his hand in front of Chase]  These aren't the droids you're looking for.

• Dr. Gregory House : You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.

  Dr. Robert Chase : I was here at 9:00.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : We should test for the 21st century suspects. Varicella, measles...

  Dr. Gregory House : You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago.

• Dr. Gregory House : It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.

  Martha Masters : Take them off

  Dr. Gregory House : Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass

  Martha Masters : Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.

  Dr. Gregory House : You really are annoying.

• Julie : [When the doctors discover that Julie might have smallpox]  Am I gonna die? I mean, this is what terrorists want to use to kill everyone, right? Like, there's no cure.

  Dr. Chris Taub : There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir.

  Dr. Gregory House : I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line, it's 30% fatal which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw unless she finds dark, purplish skin.

  Lulu : What would purple blotches mean?

  Martha Masters : Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.

  Dr. Gregory House : In which case, her chances are more like Shaq hitting a free throw.

• Dr. Gregory House : Sixteen-year-old girl. High fever, vomiting, bloodshot eyes...

  Dr. Chris Taub : Wow. The case of the really bad flu.

  Dr. Gregory House : Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox.

  Martha Masters : Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.

  Dr. Gregory House : So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?

• Dr. Gregory House : Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him?

  Martha Masters : I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore.

  Dr. Gregory House : [thinking about Cuddy]  You passive-aggressive bitch!

  Martha Masters : You just asked me...

• Dr. Gregory House : We gave it to him. Where's Chase?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : You do realize we don't all live together, right?

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, then just... we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so...

  Dr. Chris Taub : So therefore, your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.

  Dr. Gregory House : Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't develop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.

  Dr. Gregory House : You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things?

  [waves Niles' file] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Dad had kidney cancer.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Six years ago. He's been in remission.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, it's obviously back. Shot his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.

  Dr. Chris Taub : Then what does the daughter have?

  Dr. Gregory House : Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat?

• Dr. Dave Broda : [When House enters a sealed chamber]  Hey! You're insane!

  Dr. Gregory House : But I'm right!

  Dr. Dave Broda : I hope you are because I can't let you out now.

• Dr. Gregory House : Thanks for calling back. Listen, I'm a screenwriter. And is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?

  CDC Personnel : Well, theoretically, yes, but...

  Dr. Gregory House : Thank you.

  [hangs up] 

  Dr. Gregory House : So who do we believe, the CDC or Dr. 90210?

• Dr. Eric Foreman : It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, you can always find someone.

  Geerte : Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. Are you handsome sexiest American man?

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, you know, some people... I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me.

  Geerte : Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, and...

• Martha Masters : Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.

  Dr. Gregory House : Scrofulicious. That's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s.

• Martha Masters : [to House]  Julie doesn't have smallpox.

  Dr. Gregory House : Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

• Martha Masters : You don't trust me.

  Dr. Gregory House : Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.