- Hank Moody: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize, I've already said too much. I just got out of jail, and I haven't slept, eaten, or - pardon me, milady - taken a decent crap in days. Except his coffee does seem to be working. It is time to release the Kraken.
- Hank's Lawyer: Is there something I should know here?
- Charlie Runkle: Such as?
- Hank's Lawyer: Is he retarded?
- Hank Moody: Hey!
- Charlie Runkle: He's actually quite a good guy once you get to know him. He's very pleasant. Very agreeable.
- Hank's Lawyer: Good to know. Because on paper, he looks like a total piece of shit.
- Hank Moody: Alright, I wanna thank each and every one of you. Especially you, Sasha Bingham. You say you have great tits, and I most certainly concur, but that ass of yours is no slouch either.
- Hank's Lawyer: It says here you were arrested for assaulting a filmmaker named Todd Carr.
- Hank Moody: A shitty filmmaker named Todd Carr. Does it say shitty there? Because it should.
- Hank's Lawyer: You know what? This is a big fucking waste of my time. Good luck to you, Mr. Moody.
- Charlie Runkle: Apologize, you idiot!
- Hank Moody: Okay, look. I'm sorry that I talked about my balls. My big, beautiful balls. That was inappropriate.
- Sasha Bingham: I'm not going to sleep with you.
- Hank Moody: Oh, all right. You're not really my type, anyway. I like them older, and handicapped, excuse me, handi-capable.
- Sasha Bingham: Well, now I'm definitely, for sure, not going to sleep with you.
- Hank Moody: Hank
- Sasha Bingham: Mia
- Hank Moody: Okay, you win, lady. You're officially creeping me out.
- Hank Moody: I wanna ask you a question, Runkle, and how you answer will determine whether or not I will put this cigarette out on your asshole. Would you take me the fuck home?
- Charlie Runkle: Home it is, my good man.