Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Super Mario Bros.: The Movie (2007)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : We're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude, we've never heard Mario's last name before, this outta be interesting. Cool, so what's Mario's last name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, now what's your last name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, what's your *last* name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : No... okay, what's you're first name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Alright, now what's your last name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck you.

  [to Luigi] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What's your first name?

  Luigi : Luigi.

  Nostalgia Critic : And what's your last name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up!

  [to Luigi] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What's your last name?

  Luigi : Luigi Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Those are both first... Okay, what's your first name?

  Luigi : Luigi.

  Nostalgia Critic : And what's your last name?

  Mario : Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : SHUT THE FUCK...

  [to Luigi] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What's your full name?

  Luigi : Luigi Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

  Luigi : Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario.

  Nostalgia Critic : Are you fucking kidding me?

• Nostalgia Critic : So on top of the bad acting and the lame story line, there's several lines of dialogue that are just entirely pointless. For example, there's a strange running joke where Koopa tries to order a pizza.

  King Koopa : I'd like the Koopa special.

  Pizza Guy : Pterodactyl tail on that?

  King Koopa : Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms, and, uh, spicy.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, not funny.

  King Koopa : Prepare for destiny!

  [into walkie-talkie] 

  King Koopa : Where's my pizza?

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, still not funny.

  Koopa's Assistant : [on walkie-talkie]  Sir, your pizza's here.

  King Koopa : Not now.

  [to someone offscreen] 

  King Koopa : Looks like I win.

  Nostalgia Critic : And altogether not funny. So the final conclusion we have to draw from this is: Not funny, plus not funny, EQUALS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!

• Nostalgia Critic : If you want a joke to work, you need HUMOR. Don't you know that?

• Nostalgia Critic : Perhaps the biggest surprise of the movie is the fact that somebody actually wrote it. Not one, but THREE people actually played a part in putting this together. And would you believe that this movie actually had TWO directors? Because one director can't POSSIBLY make a film this bad alone. It takes two, with concerted effort.

• Nostalgia Critic : [over a scene of Mario dancing with Big Bertha]  Sorry, Mario, but our princess is in another White Castle.

• Nostalgia Critic : So let's see what's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie. Well for starters, the graphics in the game are actually better than the graphics in the opening, that's strike one. Koopa is a human being instead of a dragon, that's strike two, and two Italian plumbers are played by a British man and a Latino. And that's strike three. You know what, what the hell? Five minutes into this movie, already it has three strikes against it. This is going to SUCK ASS.