- Mercedes Jones: How do you know for sure? You can't prove that there is no God.
- Kurt Hummel: You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
- Brittany Pierce: Is God an evil dwarf?
- Finn Hudson: Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.
- [out in the football field, where the football team win the game. Artie scores the game winning touchdown. Finn takes off his helmet, kneels and throws his hands graciously in air]
- Finn Hudson: THANK YOU, GRILLED CHEESUS!
- Rachel Berry: Finn, I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
- [lets him touch her boobs]
- Finn Hudson: [whispering] Thank you, Grilled Cheesus...
- Finn Hudson: Mr. Shue, I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaking me to my core.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Oh my God, he's coming out.
- Finn Hudson: Well, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
- [Rachel looks at him with her eyes and mouth wide open]
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's way worse.
- Kurt Hummel: I hope our genuflections to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky don't take too long.
- Finn Hudson: It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, and my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God... Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus.
- Finn Hudson: What the hell happened?
- Kurt Hummel: My dad's in the hospital.
- Finn Hudson: I know. My mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know!
- Kurt Hummel: Well, I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has, but I thought we were... sort of a family.
- Santana Lopez: Hey, Kurt. We're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
- Kurt Hummel: Thanks, Santana.
- Brittany Pierce: I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
- Kurt Hummel: [at his dad's hospital bedside] Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after mom died? You tried to make a chicken. I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second, and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me. It was about you, and... it was nice. I don't believe in God, dad. But I believe in you.
- [tears well in his eyes]
- Kurt Hummel: And I believe in us. You and me; that's what sacred to me. And I am... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that.
- Mercedes Jones: Hi, church.
- [the congregation choruses "hi" back]
- Mercedes Jones: I have a favor to ask you guys. My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital. And it's pretty bad. And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles, but if we could just put them aside and focus on all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel, and to my friend Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, with something to hold onto and without something that's sacred. Anyways, Kurt, this song is for you.
- Finn Hudson: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen: one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.
- Emma Pillsbury: [unsure what to say] Okay. Where to start?
- Finn Hudson: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich, and it has special powers, I'm telling you. But I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
- Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Okay, let's just... let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did.
- Finn Hudson: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that?
- Emma Pillsbury: Well, what were you doing right before you were... touching them?
- [seeing his expression]
- Emma Pillsbury: What?
- Finn Hudson: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.
- Emma Pillsbury: Oh, yes, well, there you go. That's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300 pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.
- Finn Hudson: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.
- Emma Pillsbury: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason: they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.
- Finn Hudson: Cheesus, I don't need to tell you how much you rule. You've given me everything I've prayed for, and it turns out Rachel's boobs are really awesome. Anyway, I need another favor, so, Cheesus... I pray that I'm made quarterback again. Sam's a good dude; I just think that I can deliver your message to the world more powerfully if I'm the most popular guy in the school again.
- Emma Pillsbury: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant.
- Sue Sylvester: Have a seat.
- [Emma sits down]
- Sue Sylvester: Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while, I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough; it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
- Emma Pillsbury: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
- Sue Sylvester: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
- Emma Pillsbury: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.
- Sue Sylvester: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.
- Finn Hudson: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?
- Rachel Berry: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
- Finn Hudson: You don't think you're gonna have sex 'till you're 25?
- Rachel Berry: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
- Finn Hudson: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.
- Sue Sylvester: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?
- Jean Sylvester: Do you?
- Sue Sylvester: No, I don't.
- Jean Sylvester: Why not?
- Sue Sylvester: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes. And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...
- Jean Sylvester: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe.
- Quinn Fabray: We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't want your prayers.
- Finn Hudson: What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school, so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing. Dating Rachel is... great, but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them. So, Cheesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.
- Kurt Hummel: Hey, dad.
- Burt Hummel: Hey, that's my boy.
- Kurt Hummel: You forgot your breakfast. Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
- Burt Hummel: [looking in the bag Kurt hands him] What is this?
- Kurt Hummel: It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla, half a grapefruit, and a green drink.
- Burt Hummel: Where's my ususal breakfast?
- Kurt Hummel: A Coke and two Slim Jims?
- Burt Hummel: Yeah. Breakfast of champions.
- Kurt Hummel: Dad, you are not a kid anymore. You have to start taking care of yourself.
- Burt Hummel: Well, I guess with enough hot sauce, this will be all right. Thanks.
- Burt Hummel: Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over, and she has to work the night shift.
- Kurt Hummel: I... I can't do this Friday. It's sing-along "Sound of Music" at the El Royale theater. It's a once-a-year event.
- Burt Hummel: And last week, you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those "Grey's Anatomy" DVDs.
- Kurt Hummel: Season six, dad.
- Burt Hummel: Okay, those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family. One your mom started.
- Kurt Hummel: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.
- Burt Hummel: Those dinners are more than important. They're sacred. Okay, the whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.
- Kurt Hummel: Sing-along "Sound of Music" is sacred to me.
- Burt Hummel: What, you think I don't know that? Okay, wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? Okay, the point is if you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners, then you got nothing to hold onto. Okay, let's face it, Kurt. If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out. If we don't hang out, then our lives, they just go right by each other. And we don't share very much.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner. Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.
- Burt Hummel: I got to tell you, Kurt. I'm real disappointed in you.
- Mercedes Jones: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.
- Quinn Fabray: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
- Santana Lopez: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Oh my God, he's coming out.
- Finn Hudson: Well yes there is a man who's come into my life recently. And that man is Jesus Christ.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's way worse.
- Sue Sylvester: How's your father?
- Kurt Hummel: They say his condition is critical but stable... Good news, I guess.
- Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry for what you're going through, lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to. I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual but I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
- Kurt Hummel: So you want me to be your scapegoat? Mm-mmm.
- Sue Sylvester: You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it- It aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.