- Judge Constance Harm: Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in a bank, I hereby sentence you to 100 hours of community service.
- Homer Simpson: Community service? But... that's work! What about jail?
- Judge Constance Harm: [Pounds gavel] Community service!
- Homer Simpson: No! Please send me to jail! Free meals! Teardrop tattoos! Library books that come to you! I'll serve anything but the community!
- Chief Wiggum: Whatcha got there, Simpson?
- Homer Simpson: Just my lunch. Roast beef parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, moo goo gai parm, my wife can parm anything.
- Chief Wiggum: My wife only parms for me on my birthday, and that's only if I give her the sad puppy face look.
- Bart Simpson: [Watching Marge ransack his room] Mom, finally! You made my room cool!
- Marge Simpson: Bart, are you a druggo?
- Bart Simpson: A druggo? No way! Not until you raise my allowance.
- Chief Wiggum: I'm just glad we got to be friends again. You know, before we got whacked.
- Homer Simpson: We're not getting whacked, because you're Chief Wiggum.
- Chief Wiggum: You really have that much faith in me?
- Homer Simpson: Faith is for things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real.
- Principal Skinner: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
- Superintendent Chalmers: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
- Marge Simpson: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!
- Chief Wiggum: Do you ever stop breathing in your sleep?
- Homer Simpson: Sometimes. They say it's because I'm overweight.
- Chief Wiggum: What, you? No way! Now me, I'm overweight. My underwear has to be made specially at a factory in the Ukraine. They call me Daddy Round-Round. They send me a postcard every year.
- [Shows postcard of villagers standing inside underwear]
- Homer Simpson: That is some big underwear.
- Chief Wiggum: I paid for their water distilation plant.