Alice (TV Mini Series)

Episode #1.1 (2009)

Timothy Webber: Carpenter

Quotes 

• Queen of Hearts : [demanding to see the rejuvenated Mad March, her favorite assassin]  Well? Where is he? I don't see him.

  Carpenter : Uh, before I present Mad March, I feel I should warn - er, prepare you...

  Queen of Hearts : What?

  Carpenter : In the interest of expediency, I've had to make some... technical adjustments.

  King of Hearts : What *are* you talking about?

  Carpenter : ...Short cuts?

  Queen of Hearts : [dangerously]  How short?

  [the Carpenter tries to explain, gives up, sighs, and turns to the door. It opens to reveal Mad March, who now has an animatronic porcelain rabbit head that was formerly a cookie jar] 

  Queen of Hearts : [rising from her throne]  What on Earth have you done to him?

  Carpenter : Think of him as a... hybrid, Majesty. In many ways he is better than before.

  King of Hearts : We don't need a user manual, do we? I hate user manuals.

  Carpenter : [the Queen approaches Mad March]  Uh, not too close... he's still finding his way.

  Queen of Hearts : [circling Mad March]  Does he have all his old skills? Forensics, tracking, homicidal mania?

  Carpenter : I believe so.

  Queen of Hearts : Believe so?

  Carpenter : There wasn't much time for testing.

  Queen of Hearts : Does he speak?

  [Carpenter shrugs helplessly] 

  Queen of Hearts : Let's try him out, then.

  [slowly and loudly] 

  Queen of Hearts : Mad March. How are you today?

  Mad March : [with a mechnical, Bronx-accented voice]  Piss... off... you... cow.

  [everyone looks, terrified, at the Queen for her reaction] 

  Queen of Hearts : [delighted]  Excellent!

  [laughs] 

  Queen of Hearts : He's good as new!

• Carpenter : The time has come Walrus, old friend, to test our many stills. The oohs, the aahs, the healing drops, the passions, thrills, and to see how joy, and awe, and lust can all be turned to pills.