- Chelsea: [Charlie doesn't understand how Chelsea can enjoy sex without having an orgasm every time] Are you asking me if I had an orgasm, Charlie?... No, I did not, but it doesn't matter. It was wonderful.
- Charlie Harper: Were you at least close?
- Chelsea: Yes, I was close.
- Charlie Harper: Well, that's a start. Now, when you were close, what was I doin'?
- Chelsea: You were downstairs, getting a beer.
- Chelsea: Sex is not just about orgasms.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, really! Then how are we s'posed to know when we're done?
- Charlie Harper: What is that?
- Alan Harper: It's hair spray.
- Charlie Harper: Really? Hair spray. Let me see it.
- Alan Harper: No, leave me alone.
- Charlie Harper: Then what's the big deal?
- Alan Harper: It's not a big deal, just go away.
- Charlie Harper: All right. But I need you out of the house tonight so I can be alone with Chelsea.
- Alan Harper: Don't worry, I have a date.
- Charlie Harper: Another internet hookup?
- Alan Harper: Suavesingles.com. First month's free!
- Charlie Harper: Must be how they keep out the riff-raff.
- Charlie Harper: [snatching the hair spray can from Alan] "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair. Guaranteed to cover bald spots".
- Alan Harper: Well, it's not really a bald spot, I'm just getting a little thin on top.
- Charlie Harper: So, you're painting your head?
- Alan Harper: It's not paint. It's a specially-formulated, hair-like substance designed for the active man on the go.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, you poor, gullible bastard.
- Alan Harper: Gives me confidence.
- Charlie Harper: Okay, fine. But what happens to your confidence when your date runs her fingers through your specially-formulated, hair-like substance?
- Alan Harper: It's guaranteed not to smear, drip or ignite under normal circumstances.
- Charlie Harper: So, you're gonna spend the rest of your life spray-painting your head like it's a freeway underpass?
- Alan Harper: This is just a stopgap until the pills kick in.
- Charlie Harper: [Picking up a vial of pills] What's this? Like Propecia?
- Alan Harper: Better. Stronger. It's from Eastern Europe, where they don't have to worry about all of those pesky FDA regulations.