Photos
Quotes
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Malory Archer : Have I made myself clear?
Sterling Archer : You're looking for the answer 'yes'?
Malory Archer : Yes!
Sterling Archer : Then... yes.
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Sterling Archer : Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky.
Krenshaw : How is this a Mexican standoff?
Agent Lana Kane : Dumbass.
Krenshaw : I don't care if you shoot her.
Cyril Figgis : I do.
Krenshaw : But what if I shoot *her*, mama's boy?
Malory Archer : Sterling.
Krenshaw : Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
Malory Archer : Sterling!
Krenshaw : ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
Agent Lana Kane : Jesus Christ!
Malory Archer : What?
Cyril Figgis : What is it?
Agent Lana Kane : He's got an erection!
Malory Archer : What?
Krenshaw : What the hell is wrong with you people?
[pushes Malory away, and gets shot]
Sterling Archer : Nothing. You on the other hand -
[Malory hits him with her purse]
Sterling Archer : ow! OW!
Malory Archer : An erection?
Sterling Archer : Hey! What's in there - buckles?
Malory Archer : The thought of me dead give you an erection?
Sterling Archer : No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... ugh.
[Malory sighs]
Sterling Archer : Johnny Bench called.
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Sterling Archer : Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.
Woodhouse : These are all black.
Sterling Archer : Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black and five in a slightly darker black?
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Sterling Archer : The two things we don't allow in here. What are they?
Woodhouse : Dogs and your mother.
Sterling Archer : That's a very short list, isn't it?
Woodhouse : Yes, but you were quite insistent an exception be made.
Sterling Archer : I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
Woodhouse : Yes, sir.
Sterling Archer : But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
Woodhouse : No, sir. But
Sterling Archer : Stop. Shut up. I have to go, but if I find one single dog hair when I get back I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse : Very good, sir.
Sterling Archer : I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse : Yes, sir.
Sterling Archer : I don't know if they grade it but... coarse.
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Sterling Archer : You want ants? Cuz this is how we get ants.
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Sterling Archer : No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent Lana Kane : [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling Archer : That's why I dumped her.
Agent Lana Kane : You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling Archer : See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!.
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Sterling Archer : So, here's the thing - i need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your call. No? Hard it is, then!
[shoots the door, bullet hits Brett]
Brett : AAH!
Sterling Archer : Oh, god. Sorry.
Brett : God damn it, Archer!
Sterling Archer : I forgot that - did I get you?
Brett : What is wrong with you?
Sterling Archer : Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you.
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Sterling Archer : Hey, you wanna smell something?
Receptionist : Swear to God, Mr. Archer, I have HR on speed dial!
Sterling Archer : Shut up.
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Sterling Archer : And speaking of lame, my code name...
Malory Archer : Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
Sterling Archer : Random? It was your dog's name.
Malory Archer : Ohh, Dutchess.
[Looks longingly at picture of her and the dog]
Malory Archer : I loved her so much.
Sterling Archer : That it was creepy and pathetic?
Malory Archer : And if you were half as smart as she was...
Sterling Archer : She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
Malory Archer : [Gasps] Exercise terminated!
Sterling Archer : All right; that's lunch then.
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Malory Archer : ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist so you can jet off to Whore Island.
Sterling Archer : That's not... a real place.
Malory Archer : I have 50 agents who'd literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be VACANT!... Sterling?
Sterling Archer : Hmm? Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
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Sterling Archer : Mother, look out! Krenshaw is a mole.
Malory Archer : Oh Pam's just full of crap as she is carbohydrates. Now...
Krenshaw : [holds gun to Malory's head] Not this time you impossible bitch!
[pause]
Krenshaw : Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
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Sterling Archer : [while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...
Agent Lana Kane : [She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.
Sterling Archer : Oh, is that what you want?
Agent Lana Kane : Yup...
Sterling Archer : Because that's how you get ants.
Agent Lana Kane : [sarcastically] Yay!
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Sterling Archer : Come on, 22 black. 22 black! 22 black-ass son of a bitch! Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
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Crenshaw : Jesus, Archer.
Sterling Archer : What?
Crenshaw : You think this is a game?
Sterling Archer : No, I think Jenga's a game.
Crenshaw : What if I'd been real KGB?
Sterling Archer : I'd assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guys cock.
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Sterling Archer : You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek... get it?
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Malory : What is the point of these situations...
Sterling Archer : Crenshaw's arousal?
Malory : - if you don't take them seriously?
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Sterling Archer : If Pam knows, then everyone knows, because of Pam's huge mouth.
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Cheryl : You stood me up again last night.
Sterling Archer : Last? Oh yeah, oh my, what happened was, um, did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much. Happened.
[pause]
Sterling Archer : I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
Cheryl : It's Cheryl.
Cheryl : I know, OK, Cheryl.
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Malory : Ugh... it smells like a whorehouse in here.
Sterling Archer : Something something, your own fingers.
Malory : What?
Sterling Archer : Nothing... Johnny Bench called.
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Sterling Archer : [On a rooftop across from ISIS with a grappling hook gun] So, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol!
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Sterling Archer : Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.
[Cyril: Hey]
Agent Lana Kane : [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer : Make me!
Agent Lana Kane : What?
Sterling Archer : What?
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Pam Poovey : Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator, that's a bond of trust. Okay? And if you violate that trust, or the food.
Sterling Archer : There's my favorite section head!
Pam Poovey : I am dealing with the break room problem!
Sterling Archer : Oh, good, you caught the, um... oh wait, I had something for this. Pita predator!
Pam Poovey : You know what?
Sterling Archer : Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.
Pam Poovey : Not a pretty name, is it?
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Sterling Archer : Fuck your dolphin, Pam. Fuck your fucking dolphin.
Agent Lana Kane : I think she's down.
Sterling Archer : Fuck you.
Agent Lana Kane : I think she peed.
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Sterling Archer : [Holding up shirt on hanger] Lana! Hey, what does this smell like?
Agent Lana Kane : Umm, like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago!
[Flash back to Archer and Lan in bed]
Agent Lana Kane : Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Sterling Archer : You are amazing, Sweet Stuff.
Agent Lana Kane : Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn?
Sterling Archer : God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're those little cookie elves.
[Lana makes a kiss noise toward Archer; his phone rings]
Sterling Archer : Just a second.
Agent Lana Kane : No, Baby, don't answer that.
Sterling Archer : I have to; sorry, it's mother.
Agent Lana Kane : Oh.
Sterling Archer : Mother, hey.
Agent Lana Kane : I cannot believe you.
[Switches off porn]
Sterling Archer : [On phone] Just a second.
[Turns to Lana]
Sterling Archer : No, turn it... turn it on. I... I can do both.
[Lana gives him a side-eye glance]
Sterling Archer : What?
Agent Lana Kane : So don't speak to me - ever. And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die.
[Knocks the shirt out of Archer's hand]
Sterling Archer : Oh, really. After all that HR mediation? Really?
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Sterling Archer : That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.
