- Andy Doonan: Oh my god! Simon swallowed the groom
- Older Simon: [narrating] ... and that certainly wouldn't be the last time
- Andy Doonan: Look, she's pregnant. We can't exactly...
- Aunty Hayley: - resew the hymen after the horse has bolted...
- Kylie: [Retching] OH!
- Aunty Hayley: ...or something.
- Enyata: [singing] On a boat, on a boat, on a boat upon the ocean. If you're scared, if you're scared, you might pass a nutty motion. If it hurts, if it hurts, be sure to use some lotion.
- Enyata: Give us a kiss!
- Andy Doonan: [Kissing Enyata] No! No!
- Enyata: [Reba smacks her over the head with her handbag] What have you got in that handbag, a brick?
- Reba: Have you got a problem with that?
- Andy Doonan: Oh my god! Simon's swallowed the groom!
- Adult Simon: And that certainly wouldn't be the last time.
- Aunty Hayley: Rape! Rape! Andy... interfered with me!
- Andy Doonan: Debbie! I thought it was you!
- Aunty Hayley: He touched me where I haven't been touched since Greenham!
- Andy Doonan: Ashlene! Put that out!
- Ashlene Doonan: Why?
- Andy Doonan: Because I'm your dad and I say so.
- Ashlene Doonan: Shut up!
- Andy Doonan: What?
- Ashlene Doonan: I'm 16, I'm a grown up.
- Andy Doonan: You're a shite. You're my little girl.
- Ashlene Doonan: Oh am I?
- Andy Doonan: Yes. You're my baby.
- Ashlene Doonan: If I'm a little girl...
- Andy Doonan: Which you are.
- Ashlene Doonan: ...then how comes I'm pregnant?
- [Everyone gasps]
- Aunty Hayley: Lucky cow.
- Aunty Hayley: Which one of you clever dicks moved my bed, eh?
- [Hayley mistakenly climbs into bed with Andy, who thinks it's Debbie]
- Andy Doonan: Geez, Debs, you've put on a bit of weight. Mm, could've had a little shave for your wedding night. That's one hell of a hairy growler...