- [first lines]
- Tom Schlump: Hello? Daddy's home
- [snickers]
- Tom Schlump: Where's my girl at? / I'm home! / Where's my pretty little lady at right now? / Hello? / Come on girl, this isn't funny. / Baby... / I know you're here somewhere. / Baby-girl...
- Drunk Guy - Narrator: I got a bet. I bet you that if you pull the first five cards off this deck
- Tom Schlump: This deck?
- Drunk Guy - Narrator: Yeah this one.
- Tom Schlump: This deck...
- Drunk Guy - Narrator: And if they're all aces... Now I'm gonna give you my brand new, red, beautiful car. I'm gonna give it to you if you get five aces. But if you don't,
- [pulls gun]
- Drunk Guy - Narrator: I'm going to shoot you in the face.
- Tom Schlump: Shoot me in the face... You got yourself a fuckin' deal