- A forbidden artifact is used to help Nandor court a health club employee.
- The vampires check out the old Council's building, Laszlo finds their collection of pornography, and The Guide shows them the Cloak of Duplication. Nandor has Colin, Laszlo, and Guillermo use the Cloak to impersonate him and woo Meg, a fitness employee he's attracted to.—Gislef
- At the residence, Nadja and Nandor agree to share power as Supreme Leader of the Council. Privately, Nadja tells the film crew that she's letting Nandor think they're sharing power for now, but ultimately there can be only one Supreme Leader
Nandor tells the film crew privately that he's the more experienced leader and she will make her his Number Two. Guillermo, standing nearby, encourages Nandor to say "number two" a lot.
The Guide shows the vampires the Council, including the Council of Curiosities. She warns that some items are powerful but most are for fun. A beast roar from behind a locked door, and the Guide says that within is the Sire, the oldest living vampire in the world. She tells them to never open the door.
Nandor finds a cloak, and the Guide says that it's the Cloak of Duplication. She puts it on and turns herself into a duplicate of Nandor. She says that no one should touch it. The Guide takes them to the familiars' room where they can store Guillermo until they need him, and she refuses to let Guillermo wander about unless him a vampire... which the vampires still refuse to do.
The guide takes the vampires to the Council's library and Laszlo is thrilled to see the world's largest collection of pornographical books. Colin finds the archives, with everything he wants to know about vampires and vampiric lineage. He's turning 100 later that year, and wants to learn how he became an energy vampire. Laszlo rips out pages so he can wank later.
Guillermo discovers that he's locked in, and climbs up to an air vent and enters it.
The Guide measures the vampires for their official Council raiments. Guillermo finds a vent in the room and offers Nandor his measurements. Nandor yells at him to get out of the vent and back to his room. The Guide goes to talk to the power company about some discrepancies in their bill. Nandor goes to would-be girlfriend, Meg, who works at Massive Fitness.
Nandor likes to enjoy the sight of his body, and she finds Nandor funny when he bows to her. He's not very good at talking to modern women, so goes to find Lazlo and takes the Cloak with him. Nandor's plan is for Laszlo to wear it, impersonate him, and sweet talk Meg, and then Nandor will take over.
Laszlo gives the Cloak to Colin's plan, tells him Nandor's plan, and says that Colin should do it because he can't be fucked.
Colin goes to Massive Fitness and impersonates Nandor, and talks to Meg. Colin can't resists talking the way he usually does, and ends up insulting her. He invites Meg to go with him, and she goes to "get her stuff". A bounce, Chris, comes over in response to Meg's summons, and Colin "skedaddles".
Back at the residence, Colin tells Laszlo that it was a complete waste of time and Meg is clearly isn't into guys. Laszlo takes the Cloak and decides to give it a try. Meanwhile, Nadja, Nandor, and Colin go to collect dues from some vampires in Queens, and Nandor insists on knocking. They introduce themselves to the vampire who opens the door, Wes Blankenship.
At Massive Fitness, Laszlo puts on the Cloak and tells Meg that he went too far earlier. He claims that he took drugs to calm himself down, and went out of control. Laszlo produces a lute and starts singing, and Meg says that it's very embarrassing. He shows her some of the pornography he found, and Meg calls for Chris to throw Laszlo out and says that Laszlo is officially banned. Before he goes, Laszlo hypnotizes Meg into forgetting what happened.
Wes tells the vampires that his clan rejects the authority of the Council, and they've set up their own Council. Nandor plays peacekeeper and says that they're reasonable people. The phone rings and Wes finally excuses himself to answer it. Nadja complains that Nandor is too diplomatic, and Dave Lewis, a clan energy vampire, recognizes Colin and introduces himself. Dave says that he's a huge fan.
Laszlo is in the Council library reading when Guillermo falls out of the vent and into the room. The vampire tells Guillermo that he shouldn't read the porn because it'll be too much for him, and Laszlo suggests that he go to the gym and impersonate Nandor to hit on Meg. Guillermo takes the Cloak and is duly impressed.
Colin and Dave talk about drains, and Colin asks Dave if he wonders where they come from. Dave has no idea, and figures that Colin is trying to drain him. Meanwhile, Nandor and Nadja talk to the other vampires, and Wes says that he has a master's degree. Nandor is duly impressed.
Guillermo goes into the gym and talks to Meg, and spends more of his time complaining about Nandor and how Nandor treats him. Meg figures that Guillermo is in love with Nandor, and when Guillermo works out how Meg feels he quickly excuses himself.
Nadja tells Nandor that Wes has to go, and Nandor points out that they're outnumbered and should retreat. When Nadja pulls out Wes' heart, the other vampires cower in fear and Nadja tells them that dues are due at the end of the month and they should respect their elders.
Nandor goes to see Meg and he tells her that she made him laugh. She says that earlier "Nandor" seemed really into Guillermo. Meg says that she's a lesbian, and Nandor hypnotizes her into forgetting him, shoves Chris through a wall, and storms out.
At the residence, Nadja tells Nandor that what happened earlier in Queens can never happen again. She wonders if he's a pussy, and Nandor says that he's going through some things recently. Nadja complains that Nandor has turned into a "soft boy, closes Nandor's coffin, puts on the Cloak, scares Nandor, and goes off to find Laszlo so they can do that thing he always wanted to try.
The Sire breaks out of his cell.
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