- Snot Lonstein: For my bar mitzvah, I need to get to the park before dawn to get the picnic table next to the swings. It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or boner carved into it.
- Stan Smith: Francine, you know I only laugh at "Two and a Half Men." Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores, then has breakfast with a fat child. It's funny just talking about it.
- Roger: Hershel Hershbaum for the defense!
- [to Snot]
- Roger: Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. We'll get your foreskin cut off, all right.
- Snot Lonstein: What?
- Steve Smith: Well Snot, that's the super-ball conundrum. We want them to bounce higher and higher, and then we lose them.
- Debbie: Steve, I'm sorry, but well, Etan asked me to be his date to his Bar Mitzvah and I said yes.
- Steve Smith: What? You're dumping me for that snobby rich kid?
- Debbie: Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. I'm sorry, but I need a man, not a boy.
- Steve Smith: A boy? Could a boy produce tears this big?
- Roger: I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad...
- Steve Smith: You're playing a waiter.
- Roger: But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
- Steve Smith: You're not doing an accent.
- Roger: [gets up close to Steve menacingly] Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch. You know I'm not a fighter.
- Snot Lonstein: [about Etan's Bar Mitzvah] This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame. The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder.
- Roger: While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy jay.
- Steve Smith: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
- Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
- Steve Smith: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
- Roger: We'll never know now, will we?