- Jay Cartwright: At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months just to get a Duke of Spastic award!
- Will McKenzie: I need you to do something for me.
- Simon Cooper: Okay. What is it?
- Will McKenzie: Have a look at my cock.
- Simon Cooper: [confused] Umm...
- Will McKenzie: Not in a gay way. It's just that something's gone wrong.
- Simon Cooper: I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay.
- Will McKenzie: Please. I'm serious. All my pubes have fallen out.
- Simon Cooper: What?
- Will McKenzie: I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream because it was all sticky...
- Simon Cooper: You spunked in the common room?
- Will McKenzie: Yes, but listen. I went home to clean up, and all my pubes came out in the shower.
- Simon Cooper: [incredulously] You spunked your pants in the common room during the day when there were people around?
- Will McKenzie: [matter of factly] Yes.
- Simon Cooper: Then your pubes fell out.
- Will McKenzie: Yes!
- Simon Cooper: I think this is way out of my league.