Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Frank Figliuzzi/Peter Hamby/Kamele Foster (2021)

Bill Maher: Self

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Quotes 

• Bill Maher : Alabama's newest Senator is Tommy Tuberville. How to describe Tommy? He's like if a hot-mic slur got voted into office.

  [laughing at Kmele laughing] 

  Bill Maher : Love this guy. Tommy's the former coach of the Auburn Tigers football team, and intellectually, let's just say he's a few yards short of a first down.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : He refused to debate before his primary and general elections, and it's a good thing, because he could lose a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a Saint Bernard. Tommy's the model of today's constitutional conservative, who has absolutely no idea what's in the Constitution. He got wrong the answer to the question "What are the three branches of our government?". Strippers can get this one; I know, I've asked.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher : Financially, Tommy's been involved with at least three business associates who've been convicted for financial fraud. Said Tommy, "I'm not smart enough to understand all the numbers." Did I mention he wants to be on the Senate Banking Committee? And scene.

• Bill Maher : And finally, new rule: new years call for new departments here on "Real Time", and we have something very special for you tonight. As our loyal fans know, after every election season, we prepare a... memorial package called "Farewell, Douchebags."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher : So we can... so we can bid adieu, a proper adieu, to the conservative nutjobs who just got drummed out of office. Here's a little bit of our last installment from two months ago.

  [an "In Memoriam"-like montage plays, showing clips of Rudy Giuliani, Mike Pence, and Donald Trump, to a round of applause] 

  Bill Maher : Always a fan-favorite. We've been doing it for all these years. Problem is, Republicans restock douchebags with the efficiency of an Amazon warehouse. They churn out new crazy like the Hallmark Channel makes Christmas movies. So I thought it might be prudent moving forward if we took a moment at the beginning of the year to get to know the up-and-comers, the douchebags to keep an eye on. The... the new, fresh-faced, hate-for-profit, truth-bending opportunists that you'll be cursing out for years to come. So sit back and enjoy our premiere edition of "Hello, Douchebags."

  [applause] 

  Bill Maher : Hello. Hello, douchebags. For example, there's a new opportunistic infection in the Senate named Josh Hawley. Oh, he's an up-and-comer; "Washington Insider" says he's among 2021's Most Punchable Faces.

  [applause] 

  Bill Maher : Handsome, youthful, and vigorous, he's the far-right's JFK, with a little dash of KKK. And as the son of a wealthy banker and a graduate of Stanford, Yale, and a private prep school, Josh knows what he hates most in this world: elites.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : Loathsome and transparently ambitious, Josh was the first Senator to formally choose Trump's baseless election fraud conspiracy over his pledge to uphold the Constitution. But before you say he's anti-democratic, Josh wants you to know that he's just asking questions. Questions like "Why does the winner of an election always have to be the guy who gets the most votes?"

• Bill Maher : Now, if fresh-faced is your thing, get ready to swipe right on rising hate-monger Madison Cawthorn from North Carolina, one of the leaders of the Stop the Steal fiasco who hyped the riot at the Capitol like it was the Fyre Festival.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : And who, at the tender age of 25, is the youngest Republican ever elected to the House. I've thrown up scotch older than this prick.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : You know every Chad douchebag you see on a jetski on Instagram? Yeah, he's a Congressman now. And this one brags that he carries a gun on the House floor; but not irresponsibly. It's safely secured in his "Paw Patrol" lunchbox.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : And finally, but certainly not least, we have the freshman congresswoman from Georgia, the true mayor of Crazytown and everyone's favorite Karen, Marjorie...

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : Marjorie Taylor Greene. The congresswoman who makes most people say, "How is she not a teacher from Florida who fucks her students?"

  [laughter] 

  Self - Guest : I can see that.

  Bill Maher : I don't know, but holy shit is this lady crazy. She does not listen to lobbyists and special interests; no, she listens to microwaves and talking dogs. She is an all-in QAnon believer who thinks science and reason are a conspiracy to trick people into thinking.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : Reagan saw a shining city on a hill; this chick sees spiders on her arms.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : Move over, AOC, say hello to "WTF?". All right, that's "Hello, Douchebags."

• Bill Maher : Not to be outdone in the area of hating government from the inside, freshman Colorado representative and high-school dropout Lauren Boebert is someone you may have already thought of, if you ever thought "What would happen if Michele Bachmann smoked bath salts?"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher : This sassy gal is taking her hoops out to fight the libtards, and she...

  [snickering] 

  Bill Maher : And she wants everyone to know she has exactly one issue: guns. Spoiler alert, she likes them. She hails from a town named Rifle, and owns a restaurant called Shooters, where the waitstaff, no kidding, are encouraged to carry loaded weapons on the job. My suggestion if you eat there, make sure you tip at least 20%.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher : Yeah, I-I-I ate there once. I asked the waiter "How fresh is the fish?"; he said, "I don't know, do you feel lucky, punk?".