Bernie Nolan: Self, Various

Quotes 

• Zara : My pet hamster is missing.

  Troy : But it's only a tiny harmless hamster. Unless... Bad Brenda...

  Bad Brenda : [on viewscreen]  Yes, that's right!

  [laughst her evil laugh] 

• Bernie Nolan : So, what exciting D.I.Y you're going to demonstrate for us today?

  Mr. Cautious : How to make a cup of tea.

  Bernie Nolan : That's not exciting.

  Mr. Cautious : It is to me, I don't get out much.

• Mr. Cautious : And don't touch that plug, you'll get enormous shock!

  Bernie Nolan : Don't be ridiculous, it's not even plugged in.

  Mr. Cautious : The Nolans have had a hit!

  Bernie Nolan : What?

  Mr. Cautious : I told you you'd get enormous shock.

• The Flashing Bladess : [in the middle of telling a very long joke]  So he says 'knock knock' and she says naturally as one would 'who's there?'. And he says Stanley and she says 'Stanley who?' And he says 'don't be silly, Stanley your husband'. Oh, I forgot to say he was half French half Philipino.

• Andrew O'Connor : Welcome to On The Waterfront. Now I've got some good news: this week Skoda Reports has a brand new car. It's called 'Flattery' 'cause it gets you nowhere.

  [audience laughs] 

  Andrew O'Connor : Five out of ten, I think, yeah. Copstick?

  Kate Copstick : I've got a black belt in cooking. One of my chops can kill.

  Andrew O'Connor : [rating the audience laughter]  I think four for the joke but three for really hogging the screen. Terry?

  Terry Randall : Ok, well I've just been in holiday in Greece this week and, eh, I was living in a cardboard box. It was a package tour. It was a

  [laughs] 

  Andrew O'Connor : Two out of ten for the joke and none for delivery. Bernie?

  Bernie Nolan : Well I was nearly late this morning, actually.

  Terry Randall : Why?

  Bernie Nolan : Well a lorryload of treacle overturned on the motorway and I had to stick to the inside lane.

  [some laughter] 

  Andrew O'Connor : Oh, she's so lovely, lovely and warm and the show looks like this:

  [points at the camera]