Family Guy (TV Series)
Brian's Got a Brand New Bag (2009)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, White Runner
Photos
Quotes
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Rita : You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
Brian Griffin : Here?
Rita : No, the davenport, the chesterfield.
Brian Griffin : On this?
Rita : No. Does that look like a divan to you?
Brian Griffin : Here?
Rita : Ugh. Leave them on the chifforobe.
Brian Griffin : You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
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Chris Griffin : Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap?
Peter Griffin : Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete. Like white track stars.
[cutaway]
Olympics Referee : On your marks, get set. White guys, go!
[starter pistol]
White Runner : I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif bar before we started.
Olympics Referee : Everybody else!
[starter pistol; the black athletes easily outpace the white ones]
White Runner : [fearful gasp] Phew. I thought they were coming after us.
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Peter Griffin : Oh, my god! "Road House"! I wanna buy this!
Video Store Clerk : Great, and as a bonus, I'll throw in "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.
Peter Griffin : No, thank you.
Video Store Clerk : No charge.
Peter Griffin : I do not want it.
Video Store Clerk : But it's free, sir.
Peter Griffin : If that DVD even touches "Road House", I will kill you.
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Peter Griffin : [finishing "Road House"] That was awesome! And its message is timeless.
Brian Griffin : Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem can be solved by kicking.
Peter Griffin : [gasp] Oh, my god. Brian, you're right.
Brian Griffin : Peter, I'm joking.
Peter Griffin : What did you say to me?
Brian Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin : Get off my plane.
Brian Griffin : That's not even the same...
[Peter roundhouse kicks him]
Brian Griffin : Ohhh! What the hell?
Peter Griffin : Not gonna talk to me like that in my bar.
Brian Griffin : It's not a bar.
[another roundhouse kick]
Brian Griffin : Ohh!
[Peter proceeds to beat him up, throwing him outside into the street; to avoid him, a driver overturns his car into Cleveland's house, and an empty bathtub slides out from the top floor and smashes on the ground]
Peter Griffin : Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.
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Lois Griffin : You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?
Peter Griffin : I think I can get on board with that.
[they giggle and turn out the lights; after a moment, a kicking sound is heard]
Lois Griffin : Ow!
Peter Griffin : Road House.
Lois Griffin : Peter, for god's sakes, if you're gonna do that, at least aim for my breasts.
[another kicking sound]
Lois Griffin : [aroused giggling] Oh, yeah.
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Brian Griffin : Well, you met her. What do you think?
[Lois laughs]
Brian Griffin : What?
Lois Griffin : [still laughing] What do I think? She's a hundred! Oh, my god! Peter, did you see her?
Peter Griffin : [upstairs] I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here! Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
Lois Griffin : No!
Brian Griffin : Awesome! I'll be right down.
Chris Griffin : [just as Peter arrives] Hey, Brian, who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?
Peter Griffin : Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!
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Stewie Griffin : Hey, it's 4:30. Isn't there an early bird special you should be running off to?
Brian Griffin : She's 50, Stewie. She's not an old woman.
[his phone rings]
Brian Griffin : Hello? Hey, Rita.
[lowering his voice]
Brian Griffin : Uh, no, I'm not hungry yet. Well, if we get there by 5:30, I'm sure they'll honor it.
Stewie Griffin : Brian, is she calling dinner "supper"?
Brian Griffin : So, what are you doing this afternoon?
Stewie Griffin : [high-pitched falsetto] "Oh, I'm just sorting out my pills for the week, sweetie."
Brian Griffin : Well, you do that, and I'll be over a little later.
Stewie Griffin : [he hangs up] Huh? Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week? In that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Hmm?
Brian Griffin : Actually, she just got back from the gym, and she's jumping in the shower.
Stewie Griffin : She got a chair in that shower?
Brian Griffin : Shut up!
Stewie Griffin : [Brian leaves] Have archeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy. That one was too wordy. That-that was... that was flawed from the ground up. It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.
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Rita : Is that... your condom?
Brian Griffin : No! I... I-I mean, I mean I-I-I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I wouldn't... I would not... I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I would, if I was having sex with her, which obviously, I would not do. But if... if... I mean, I'm safe and all, you know. I-I get an AIDS test once every three months. And, and-and not because I... I... it's... you know, it's not because I have a lot of sex. I just... I just eat a lot of poo off the street. Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place?
Stewie Griffin : [narrating an accompanying note] Dear Brian, somewhere between the point when you're excited enough to want it and too excited to care, think about your future. Your friend, Stewie.
Brian Griffin : Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you.