Family Guy (TV Series)

Three Kings (2009)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Carter Pewterschmidt, Petey Lachance, Andy Dufresne, Paul Sheldon, Old Man Pressman, Chopper, Paul, Little Richard, Prison Guard, Captain Seamus, Quag Chambers, Warden Norton, Stewie Wilkes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Petey Lachance : Cleve, it's 1955. Please re-enter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.

• Warden Norton : You Andy Dufresne?

  Andy Dufresne : A little bit, you? He he he, I'm just tweaking your bum. What can I do for you?

  Warden Norton : I understand you make Star Wars figurines. Aw, Grievous! Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say?

  Andy Dufresne : I don't know...

  Warden Norton : Oh, come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

  Andy Dufresne : But I like that guy.

• [after the second commercial break] 

  Peter Griffin : Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption".

• Joe Swanson : Mr. Sheldon?

  Brian Sheldon : Oh, my God, I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.

  [Two shotgun blasts are heard and Joe's legs are blown off. Joe screams in agony] 

  Joe Swanson : AHH! My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!

  [Stewie enters the house and points the shotgun at Joe] 

  Stewie Wilkes : No, you're not.

  [He shoots Joe and blood splatters all over his face] 

• [the boys just found the body and while observing, Ace appears] 

  Ace : Out of my way you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

  Richard Dreyfuss : [Narration]  It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

  Norm Peterson : Hey gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

  Ace : Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

  [Ace walks over to Quag Chambers and holds up a knife to his neck. Petey Lachance retaliates by firing a warning shot, then points gun at Ace] 

  Petey Lachance : Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood.

  Ace : This ain't over, Lachance. I mean, you have a gun right now but tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.

  Petey Lachance : Oh, yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town, and I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

• Chris Quagmire : Ha ha! Beat those cards, fellas! Ha ha ha! Giggety-giggety-fifties-giggety!

• [first lines] 

  Peter Griffin : Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body.

• [after the first commercial break] 

  Peter Griffin : Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery".

• Brian Sheldon : You fondled me while I was asleep?

  Stewie Wilkes : Yeah.

  Brian Sheldon : I don't think I like that.

  Stewie Wilkes : Well, it's done.

• [last lines] 

  Peter Griffin : Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

• Brian Sheldon : I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick?

  Stewie Wilkes : Not anymore.

• Red : [narrating]  A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me.

  Andy Dufresne : [passing by]  Vagina boob.

• Brian Sheldon : Marcia, I've done it. I've finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead, and the readers are just gonna love it.

  Marcia Sindell : Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this. Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever.

  Brian Sheldon : Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff. You know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's looking at it.

• Stewie Wilkes : No, no, no. This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader.

  Brian Sheldon : What do you mean?

  Stewie Wilkes : Well, it's just bad storytelling. Let's see, how can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie "Contact"?

  Brian Sheldon : Yeah.

  Stewie Wilkes : So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high space machine and Jake Busey blows it up, so now they're all like, "Oh, no. We can't use the space machine." But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens I built another identical trillion-dollar space machine at my own expense on the other side of the world," and we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater and I said, "No! You can't go into space because the machine already got blown up by Jake cock-a-doody Busey!" Start over!

  Brian Sheldon : Fine. But you're gonna have to go into town and get me some more paper. I'm all out.

  Stewie Wilkes : Oh, I don't know, Paul. Let me see if I can get the Big Wheel started.

  [going outside, he imitates a car engine stalling] 

  Stewie Wilkes : Oh, I don't know, Paul. It's not starting.

  [imitating the engine stalling again] 

  Stewie Wilkes : Oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna flood it.

  [imitating the engine stalling, then starting up] 

  Stewie Wilkes : Okay, I got it now. I'll see you in a bit.

• Richard Dreyfuss : We decided to cut through old man Pressman's junkyard, even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sic balls."

  Cleveland Brown : I got a bad feeling about this.

  Old Man Pressman : Hey! What are you kids doing?

  Chris Quagmire : Oh, no, it's him!

  Old Man Pressman : That's right. I'm old man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic 'em! Sic 'em, boy!

  [as Chopper, Brian chases after the boys, barking] 

  Richard Dreyfuss : Now, he said "sic' em, boy," but what I heard was "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans who aren't as bitter as they should be."

• Stewie Wilkes : I just finished the book, you dirty birdie. How could you? He can't be dead. Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!

  [he throws the manuscript on the bed, landing on Brian's broken legs] 

  Brian Sheldon : [in pain]  AHHHHH! Look, Stewie, I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff, and I-I want to write something more serious.

  Stewie Wilkes : [putting a typewriter on the table]  Well, you are gonna write Snuggly Jeff back to life, Mr. Man.

• Peter Griffin : The year was 1955. And the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

  Richard Dreyfuss : [narrating]  I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance...

  Petey Lachance : Anyone else fed up with this oversaturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.

  Richard Dreyfuss : Then there was Joey Duchamps. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

  Roy Scheider : How are you, Richard?

  Richard Dreyfuss : Fine, Roy. How are you?

  Roy Scheider : Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up, maybe reminisce about "Jaws".

  Richard Dreyfuss : Great, you should give me a call sometime. My number's 555...

  Roy Scheider : Wait, wait. What? 555?

  Richard Dreyfuss : Uh, yeah.

  Roy Scheider : You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

  Joey Duchamp : Oh, please, make the voices stop!

• Brian Sheldon : [driving in a snowstorm]  Oh, my God! Stephen King!

  Stephen King : [getting hit and flying into the air]  Hey, this would make a neat story!

  [writing in a notepad, he finishes as he lands, unhurt] 

  Stephen King : Done.

• Stewie Wilkes : Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no. But I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag, and I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

  Brian Sheldon : Well, I guess that'd be okay.

  Stewie Wilkes : Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?