- Walter Dickerson: Hey, Chris, I need to talk to you, man.
- Chris: What's up?
- Walter Dickerson: What's up is Coach Thurman's gonna fail me.
- Chris: Fail you? You're, like, the best guy on the team. All you have to do is show up and it's an automatic "A." Why would he fail you?
- Walter Dickerson: Something about me never showing up to class. Look, he's trippin'. I don't know why we need to learn about history anyway. What difference does it make who won World War III? It's over. The Japanese won, and now we have Walkmans.
- Narrator: Thank God Italy won World War IV and we got pizza.
- Narrator: With a new job and a signing bonus, my father thought he had been hit by a chemical toilet and gone to Heaven.
- Greg Wuliger: [to Chris] Dude, just then, am I crazy or when Dickerson said "my man," was he talking to you?
- Chris: Yeah, he was talking to me.
- Greg Wuliger: That's awesome! You're, like, his number-two guy now. It's like "Chico and the Man", "My Man Godfrey", "Our Man Flint." I can't even imagine. The perks gotta be great.
- Chris: Well, so far the only perk is Caruso saw me earlier and didn't punch me in the face.
- Greg Wuliger: [after Chris falls asleep in class] Dude, you're burning the candle at both ends. There's no way you can do another guy's work and still have time for your own stuff. It's like cheating on a girlfriend.
- Narrator: If you've never had a girlfriend.
- Rochelle: [to Mr. Omar about Julius] You got to fire him and you have to fire him today.
- Mr. Omar: Why would I want to do that? I've never seen a man be so happy with his work.
- Rochelle: He is throwing money away like there's no tomorrow.
- Mr. Omar: Well, there might not be a tomorrow.
- Rochelle: Well, if there is, you ain't gonna have no place to live.
- Mr. Omar: What you talking about?
- Rochelle: Let me remind you you're a tenant in our house. If we lose our home, you lose your...
- Mr. Omar: He's fired.
- Rochelle: Thank you.
- Narrator: If you're keeping score, that's happy: zero, my mother: one.