- Eartha Brute: [on the phone with Carmen] I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.
- Carmen Sandiego: Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvorak. Great...
- Eartha Brute: Uh, Carmen, what about my games?
- Carmen Sandiego: Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.
- Eartha Brute: Who's she?
- Carmen Sandiego: The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?
- Eartha Brute: Only the comics.
- Mrs. Pumpkin-Klanger: I've had enough of this!
- Himself - Host: Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkin-Klanger.
- [goes out into the lobby]
- Himself - Host: Hi, Mrs. Pumpkin-Klanger.
- Mrs. Pumpkin-Klanger: That bruiser has gone to the Highland Games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a fifteen foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meandering and go apprehend her.
- [goes inside and slams the window shut]
- Himself - Host: Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.
- The Chief: Now, the first stop on Eartha's marathon was the home of the lumberjack world championship. Now, the contest includes competition in chopping, sawing, speed climbing, log rolling, axe throwing, and my personal favorite: canoe jousting. Now, it's a perfect place for Eartha, I would think.
- Himself - Host: [hearing the monitor start to buzz] Uh oh. I think we're getting some cosmic interference here.
- [color bars appear on the screen]
- Himself - Host: [adjusting the switch] It must be our spirit gumshoe, Crystal.
- Crystal the Teenage Medium: [appearing onscreen] What's up, gumshoes? I'm flying first class on the Astral plane. I'm getting vile visions from the brain of the brute. I see nineteen million people in one big city. Spanish people, Indian, Metizos. It used to be the center of the Aztec empire. Wow! This must be what Eartha's looking for: Azteca-Stadium! Oops! My signal's fading. Hasta luego!
- The Chief: Now, this fax is coming from the mayor of Olympia, and it says, "Eartha stopped here looking for the birthplace of the olympics. But she's come to the wrong Olympia! This one's in the Unites States, not Greece! It's a port on Puget Sound." You know, I think those steroids must be going to her brain.
- The Chief: Greg, I've got an incentive for the gumshoes. Now, if you catch Carmen Sandiego, I will send you anywhere in the lower forty-eight states.
- [applause]
- The Chief: Now, you can go on a nice, quiet vacation to Carefree, Arizona, Peacedale, Rhode Island, Lake Placid, New York, Comfort, North Carolina, Tranquility, New Jersey, you can go anywhere. But the only way you're going to win this award is if you catch Eartha. Now, get back to work.
- Himself - Host: Next, we have a report from two Acme Celebnet agents who aren't afraid of Eartha. Watch.
- [Ice and Gemini from "American Gladiators" appear on the screen.]
- Gladiator Ice: Gause.
- Gladiator Gemini: Good day.
- Gladiator Ice: That means 'hi'.
- Gladiator Gemini: And good day.
- Gladiator Ice: In the country where you want to go.
- Gladiator Gemini: It's made up of over four hundred islands in the North and Baltic seas.
- Gladiator Ice: It's capital is Copenhagen.
- Gladiator Gemini: I hope you get there on Queen Margrethe's birthday. When that happens, there's:
- Gladiator Ice, Gladiator Gemini: No school! Alright!
- [they do a high five]
- Himself - Host: Alright. Alright, thanks, Gemini and Ice.
- Himself - Host: [hearing a commotion outside] Sounds like the old rumor mill is grinding out here. Let's go check the word on the street.
- [heads out into the lobby, where Rockapella is chilling around the word]
- Himself - Host: Hey, fellas.
- Self - High Tenor: Rockapella: Hey, man.
- Himself - Host: What's the word on the street?
- Self - High Tenor: Rockapella: Hey, man, the word on the street is 'pyrethrum'. It's an insecticide made from dried chrysanthemum heads. Now, Eartha headed for the East African nation that just happens to be the world's largest producer of this pyrethrum. She wanted to poach some pachyderms for her Elephant Toss game. And also, she raced a cheetah down the Great Rift Valley. She lost.
- Himself - Host: Tough break.
- The Chief: [showing a slide show on Nairobi, Kenya] Freedom Monument. Now, I wouldn't put it past Eartha to steal part of one freedom monument and then stick it on another. Look for the torch here.
- The Chief: You know, I've been doing some research over at Acme Archivenet, and I found this document from 1762, and it describes a colonial police chief.
- [she unrolls a sheet of paper and reads as follows]
- The Chief: "A great shouting and blustering mocked his every word. He did not, himself, take any action, but did rather give orders to others with much threatening, an impressive waving of arms.
- [laughs and rolls up the scroll]
- The Chief: Well, they sure did things funny back then.
- [laughs along with the audience, then looks serious and suddenly explodes]
- The Chief: Well, look alive, gumshoes! Eartha and the torch are in Nairobi! Go find 'em!