The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Nintendo Power Memories (2007)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [reading letters]  "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : "Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise, surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back-" Well, not if it's erupting, like in the picture! It's tropical, dude! Here's the sun. I really don't see the sun. That's fun- oh, so, that's where the fun is? Right there? Surf? Uh, okay. You? You're right there? Okay. Sand? Well, that is definitely sand. And trees? Uh, yep. There are trees all over the place.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : "So, nice names, guys! Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on! Yeeeeeesh! I'm not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of the games." He totally has a good point. But, here's the response: "So, you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?" Wow, what an asshole.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? Oh, that's a great prize! That movie never got fucking made, unless you count Son of the Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later. And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breaking their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Remember Star Fox 2, the game that never saw the light of day?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy. That's just hilarious because that's almost the whole library of games for that fucking piece of shit!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Another thing powerful about this magazine was the power to know what games were coming out. But only if we could read between the lines, we could know how shitty they'd be. This one says, "In-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania." This one says Back to the Future has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting "timer." Wow, they knew it was bad.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit! So, Nintendo Power printed out some guideline that's basically saying, "Look, dumb shits. This is how you're supposed to do it." And, if my game said "Cheese!", I'd think I'd shit my pants. And, if I was wearin' that, I'd have problems.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The ads were kinda weird. This kid better be careful not to get those games wet. Actually, those games suck ass. Throw them to the sharks.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : "Unmask the power animal in you!" Uh-oh, here we go. "And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!" Holy shit! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flyin' a Jeep through space goin' apeshit with Nintendo controllers

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Each issue always came with a poster. As you can see, I still have them on my walls. But, each one represents frustration. Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster is just a real shitsucker.

  [rips poster trying to take it out] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Aw, fuck!

• [after a long shot of a pile of Nintendo Power issues, the Nerd suddenly comes on screen] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : ASS!