- Trevor Chaplin: [Referring to Jill and Helen of Tadcaster] I'm fancied by two women! Question: Is this a record? Answer: You bet it is!
- Jill Swinburne: [Reproaching herself] I've been competing for a man!
- Trevor Chaplin: Question: Do you want me?
- Jill Swinburne: I'm not sure.
- Trevor Chaplin: Do you want Helen to have me?
- Jill Swinburne: Like hell I do!
- Big Al: [after the police raid] If we don't get all that gear moved out of the church basement by the weekend, we're all pencilled in for deportation, solitary confinement, loss of privileges, discharge with ignominy, boiling in oil... or a small fine.
- Mr. Wheeler: [Regarding Big Al as a trespasser on school property] What are you doing here?
- Big Al: Well what are any of us doing anywhere on our poor, beleaguered planet? I suppose I'm trying to do the same as you: trying to make some sense out of life.
- Mr. Wheeler: It is not my job to make sense out of life.
- Big Al: But you're a headmaster. You must make an attempt to master your head!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Having summoned Det. Sgt. Hobson, who arrives, stands to attention and clicks his heels] I wish you wouldn't do that, Hobson.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I'm afraid it's all part of my approach to police work, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Just what do you imagine we are? Some kind of paramilitary organisation planning a coup d'etat? Now, come on, can you honestly see me as a Junta?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Sincerely] Yes, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Really? Oh, I see. Well not before the weekend, eh? You realise this is another bollocking?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I was not aware of the nature of the interview, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: You are now?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Yes, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: What's all this about Big Al?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Proudly] I've 'fixed' him, sir!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: 'Fixed him'? What sort of language is that for a university graduate with first class honours?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Smug] I think that fairly describes what I did to him, sir. I've fixed him... on the basis of storing goods in the basement of a parish church, which is a breach of town planning regulations.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Town planning regulations? We're not in business to enforce the law...
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Interrupting, bewildered] I was under the impression...
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Interrupting] Not that sort of law! We're about criminal law and robbing, killing, maiming - you must know the sort of thing? Not this - it's like nicking Rasputin for keeping rabbits in his council flat.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: It's technically correct, for all that, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Yeah but not much style about it, eh? Not one of your virile, manly offences, eh? Not exactly macho. Or am I just looking for another reason to persecute you again, Hobson?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: It's hardly for me to say, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Very well. I'll give you another reason why it was a stupid, ill-considered action on your part. The epitome of thickness, no less.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Hurt] Sir?
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Half-whispering] It's political.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Hardly, I would have thought.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Town planning. You start messing with that and you're into the environment, civil liberties and all that crap. A huge swamp that can drag all of us down without trace.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Really, sir?
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Correction: not all of us - just you, sunbeam, just you. That's all, Hobson. But stop trying to nick people, eh? Go somewhere and count things, control some traffic, protect some old ladies, fill your time with meaningless ritual... it works for me!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Clicks his heels again] Thank you, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: And stop doing that - I can't cope with it!
- Jill Swinburne: [Being driven in Trevor's van through the town's outskirts] Who is the greatest authority on the environment in this area?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Teasing] How many guesses do I get?
- Jill Swinburne: Me, you soft pillock!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Feigning surprise] Oh!
- Jill Swinburne: Ace environmentalist and the Earth's best friend. Undefeated champion!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Driving past yet another row of demolished, uncleared houses] If you're so good at the environment, how come it's in such a mess?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Returning to Jill's house, despite their trial separation, after discovering that Big Al has stored 'a few items' in his small flat] I don't mind using the spare room but I'd be deeply grateful if you'd allow me to stay the night.
- Jill Swinburne: What the hell is going on?
- Trevor Chaplin: There's a refrigerator in my bed!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Jill's meeting took longer than expected and Trevor couldn't find anywhere to park his van] Seventeen times I drove around the Town Hall!
- Jill Swinburne: [Protesting] The last two times I was standing there waving at you!
- Trevor Chaplin: I was in a daze by then!
- Jill Swinburne: [Sarcastic] So what's new?
- Jill Swinburne: [Referring to Helen of Tadcaster, who wants Trevor for herself, despite he and Jill having reunited] I give you fair warning, Mr Chaplin: if you get engaged to that girl, I insist you move into the spare room!
- Jill Swinburne: [Performing introductions] Sergeant Hobson, this is Helen of Tadcaster, my rival in love. And Mr Chaplin, whom you know.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Good evening. It's Mr Chaplin I want to see.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Humorously] Here I am - take a good look!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Serious] It's rather more than that.
- Jill Swinburne: [to Trevor] Take your shirt off, love!
- Trevor Chaplin: [about to be led away by Det. Sgt. Hobson, Jill proffers a pamphlet] What's this?
- Jill Swinburne: Citizens' Guide. How to behave if you get busted. Civil liberties, all that kind of thing.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Of course, yes - you're into that kind of thing, aren't you?
- Jill Swinburne: Yes, right in it - and so will YOU be if you step one centimetre out of line!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Mr Chaplin, perhaps you'd just confirm with witnesses that you are coming with me voluntarily.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Jill and Helen of Tadcaster are competing for Trevor] Might as well. Nothing on telly and if we talk, it turns into an argument over my body!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [to Det. Sgt. Hobson, who is holding Trevor for the 'unaccountable' presence of a toothbrush in his flat] Let him go!
- Trevor Chaplin: [to Chief Supt. Forrest as Hobson stands to attention and clicks his heels] Am I supposed to do that?
- Chief Supt. Forrest: All you have to do is go home. You are Mr Trevor Chaplin?
- Trevor Chaplin: Yes... but I'm under arrest.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Your arrest is a figment of Sergeant Hobson's imagination, like many other things. You're a lucky lad: you've got friends with power and influence.
- Trevor Chaplin: No I haven't!... Have I...?
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Yeah. Whereas Sergeant Hobson...
- Trevor Chaplin: [Anticipating] No friends with power and influence?
- Chief Supt. Forrest: That's right.
- Trevor Chaplin: Hard luck, Sergeant.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [to Trevor while readying himself to mete out another berating upon Det. Sgt. Hobson] Go home, son - unless you enjoy the sight of blood!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Exiting, a la Dixon of Dock Green] 'Night all!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [to Hobson, regarding the mysterious toothbrush] So you tried to fit him up?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Sir, I have grounds for suspec...
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [Interrupting] I have told you the policy for fitting people up is only when I say so! Is that understood?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Understood.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: Ten o'clock Monday: see me for a proper bollocking!
- Mr. McAllister: [Trevor has been invited for Sunday lunch] If you want to be entertained in my house, you need to be more careful about the company you keep.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Noting the outdoor swimming pool] It's a smashing house, Mr. McAllister, but I don't know what you're talking about.
- Mr. McAllister: [to his daughter] Helen, would you leave us?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Helen starts to comply but...] Where are you going?
- Helen: I think there's some man-to-man talk brewing.
- Trevor Chaplin: There's no such thing! I've got no secrets... though I don't know about your father?
- Mr. McAllister: Helen's right: it's man-to-man talk.
- Trevor Chaplin: Does it affect Helen?
- Mr. McAllister: It relates to her, yes.
- Trevor Chaplin: Then she should stay and listen.
- Mr. McAllister: What's all this? Women's Lib all of a sudden? Did you get it from that woman you're living with?
- Trevor Chaplin: If you want a straight answer, yes, I did.
- Mr. McAllister: Well if we're having a straight talk, let's get it clear. If you want to be entertained in this house, you move back into your flat, damned quick.
- Trevor Chaplin: I see. Any more instructions?
- Mr. McAllister: [Retreating slightly] Suggestions, Trevor, that's all. I never tell anyone how to live his life.
- Trevor Chaplin: You got any more 'suggestions'?
- Mr. McAllister: [Still wanting his daughter to leave] Helen...
- Helen: My mother will be needing help in the kitchen.
- Trevor Chaplin: I think you should stay, Helen. You might learn something about men... or, at least, about your father. Yes, Mr. McAllister?
- Mr. McAllister: Alright. I also suggest that you keep away from that mob on the estate.
- Trevor Chaplin: Big Al?
- Mr. McAllister: I don't know any of their names - I keep my distance.
- Trevor Chaplin: And get other people to put the pressure on?
- Mr. McAllister: Pressure? I've no idea what you mean.
- Trevor Chaplin: I mean funny phone calls and sabotaging election meetings and smashing up a fellow's greenhouse. That's what I mean!
- Mr. McAllister: [Feigning ignorance] Sounds to me like hysterical rambling!
- Trevor Chaplin: A few people get together to organise a little mail order business off their own back. Simple, self-help organisation...
- Mr. McAllister: [Interrupting] If people need goods and services, they should go to the proper place!
- Trevor Chaplin: Like shops?
- Mr. McAllister: Yes, like shops!
- Trevor Chaplin: Well you're bound to believe in that, aren't you? After all, you've got hundreds of bloody shops!
- Mr. McAllister: It's about equilibrium - it's not about shops!
- Trevor Chaplin: Equilibrium?
- Mr. McAllister: There has to be a balance in the way we organise society. If something disturbs that balance...
- Trevor Chaplin: [Interrupting] You lose your swimming pool?
- Helen: [Trying to calm down the antagonism] I think lunch is ready.
- Mr. McAllister: Trevor, get rid of your fancy-woman, get rid of your dubious friends... and come and have some lunch.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Rising to leave] No, Mr McAllister. You get rid of your friends and I might just stay for lunch... one of these days... but not today!
- Helen: [Chasing after Trevor as he storms out of her father's house following an argument] Don't go!
- Trevor Chaplin: I'm particular about who I eat with!
- Helen: You're being silly - he's an old softie, really.
- Trevor Chaplin: He can afford to be! It's time you liberated yourself, sweetheart...
- Helen: [Interrupting, sarcastically referring to Trevor's devotion to Jill] Like you have?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Ignoring her] ... unless you're going to go on living off your old man's pieces of silver for the rest of your life.
- Helen: [Referring to her previous relationship with Trevor] My God but you've changed!
- Trevor Chaplin: Well that's the general idea, isn't it? We grow up, stuff like that.
- Helen: I liked you better the way you were before.
- Trevor Chaplin: You mean when I took orders without question?
- Helen: Yes.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Getting into his van] He's dead and buried, that loveable Geordie schoolteacher! This is the new, dynamic Trevor Chaplin!
- Helen: I don't like him.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Referring to how love rivals Helen and Jill decided who would 'win' him] That's up to you but I'll tell you this for nothing: nobody wins me at the toss of a coin. It may have worked in old money but not now.
- Helen: My mother will be very disappointed.
- Trevor Chaplin: Why?
- Helen: [Referring to her mother having taken time to prepare lunch] She wanted to see you again... and she was up half the night with her Stroganoff.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Feigning ignorance of foreign dishes] There you go! What's the use of money if you haven't got good health?
- Helen: [as Trevor starts the van] I'll see you?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Driving away] Goodbye forever!