- Karen Pelly: [as Davis tries to write a poem about his experience in the trunk of the police car] "Has it been two seconds, three seconds maybe? These are the words of Davis the baby."
- Hank Yarbo: My Mom once caught me playing with a Ouiji board, and she said "Richard Henry Yarbo, you get rid of that RIGHT THIS MINUTE!"
- Brent Leroy: [referring to Oscar's overuse of the J-word] Everybody's a jackass.
- Oscar Leroy: I know. That's why I use the word so often.
- Wanda Dollard: I'm tired of girls' night being all frilly-fru-fru crap. Why can't a girls' night have some nards to it?
- [Davis and Emma look shocked]
- Wanda Dollard: You heard me, nards!
- Tilley: [Lacey's 'Girls Night' has a tarot reader] This card is 'The Lovers', meaning you will be married.
- Lacey Burrows: Yes! Um, not that I need a man to complete me, but yes.
- Tilley: You've already met him, he's dark haired, and the Hermit card means he isn't working right now.
- Karen Pelly: Sounds like Hank.
- Wanda Dollard: Mrs. Hank Yarbo! Jackpot!
- Emma Leroy: This tarot stuff is fun!
- Lacey Burrows: It's not Hank!
- [to Tilley]
- Lacey Burrows: Give me a name. A non-Hank name.
- Tilley: His name starts with the 18th letter of the alphabet.
- Wanda Dollard: R
- [the others look at her]
- Wanda Dollard: I do 30 crosswords a day.
- Lacey Burrows: Name starts with R... well, the possibilities are endless. The world is my oyster!
- Karen Pelly: What's that card mean?
- Tilley: It means she will never leave Dog River.
- Lacey Burrows: What?
- Emma Leroy: Guess this isn't our last girly night.
- Lacey Burrows: [to Hank] I'd like you to meet Roy.
- Lacey Burrows: And Roy, what letter does your name start with?
- Roy: Are you serious?
- Lacey Burrows: [to Hank, emphatically] "R".
- Hank Yarbo: [to Roy] Oh hey, mine too! I'm Hank.
- Brent Leroy: You know what? I've been thinking about this whole jackass-hammerhead thing and I want to apologize. I said some things I shouldn't have said, mainly hammerhead. Anyway, I realize now, you can't help yourself.
- Oscar Leroy: Yes, I can. Not using the J-word is as easy as pie.
- Brent Leroy: No, no, you're addicted! I know, I was starting to get hooked on the H-bomb.
- Oscar Leroy: It wasn't that hard to stop, once I found a few replacement words, butthead.
- Brent Leroy: Butthead? That's just kinda childish.
- Oscar Leroy: You heard me, nincompoop.
- Brent Leroy: What are you, one of the Three Stooges now?
- Oscar Leroy: Maybe I am, fish brain.
- Brent Leroy: All right, I'm officially rescinding the moratorium on jackass.
- Oscar Leroy: Don't know what your big words mean, cabbage breath.
- Brent Leroy: Okay, now I'm begging you. Please go back to jackass.
- Oscar Leroy: I'll think about it, barn smell.
- Lacey Burrows: Maybe if Hank got a job...
- Karen Pelly: Oh, no. You're starting a shame spiral! I think I saw this on Oprah.
- Lacey Burrows: He keeps himself in shape. You know, he's got an all right body... .
- Karen Pelly: Lacey, snap out of it! It's Hank! He uses chapstick as deodorant!