- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I'd grow a mustache as a disguise, but then I'd have to get a job as a firefighter or a pedophile.
- Imaginary Harry: [to the alien Harry] I heard you screwing my wife from the freezer the other night. Sounded like a monkey killing a dolphin.
- D'Arcy: You can't use booze and pills to feel better.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah.
- D'Arcy: Judy, get the pot!
- D'Arcy: You're doing depression right. The key is to embrace it. Once you accept that you've got nothing, then you have nothing left to lose. That's where freedom lives.
- Max Hawthorne: What does it do?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It will cook your monkey ass.
- [corrects himself]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Consider it a radio.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] The biggest misconception the humans have about the universe is that it's enormous. It's not. It's tiny. It's all so finite, and smells of slightly burnt caramel corn. I understand why these dumb humans don't know anything about the extended universe. They've never been there. But the universe has been to them.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] What do I have? Nothing. Just this stupid human body with two useless nipples that don't even produce milk.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Honey.
- Isabelle: Hmm?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The only reason I'm out here is that I needed space.
- Isabelle: What?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, space. like husbands often say in television shows.
- Imaginary Harry: That makes you human.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Don't call me that. That's the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Sorry to interrupt this little stroll down who-gives-a-shit lane, but is there something you want to say to me, Deputy?
- [Harry returns to his cabin after being rude to Isabelle, the real Harry's wife]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: We should talk.
- Isabelle: [standing up from packing her suitcase] Yes?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: What are you making for dinner?
- Isabelle: Ugh. I'm leaving. I can't spend another night here with you.
- [Isabelle continues packing]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I like it when you make the mini chickens.
- Isabelle: You're not listening. I'm leaving you.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You said that once. But you are still here.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] . I don't want her to go. I'm very hungry. I need here to make me food. I must get her to stay. I have an idea.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [aloud] Stay.
- Isabelle: Nope.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] That didn't work.
- Isabelle: I can't live like this. I feel alienated, lied to.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [aloud] Are you upset because I drugged you? I was trying to be kind. On television, the Three Stooges knock each other out with skillets.
- Isabelle: I don't even know who you are anymore. Goodbye, Harry.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Wait, no. I don't like this. Stop.
- Isabelle: Just answer me one question. Did you ever love me?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Once.
- Isabelle: Thank you for finally being honest.
- [leaves cabin]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [sits down and sighs with anguish]