Quotes
Megyn Kelly; Ingrid Newkirk; Erick Erickson; Alex Wagner; Michael McFaul
Real Time with Bill Maher
- Self - Host: And finally, new rule: Donald Trump must be inducted into the Friar's Club, because he's a comedian. I say that not as a cheap insult, but because he works like a comedian; I do stand-up dates, he does rallies. I feed off the crowd, he feeds off the crowd. When I find a bit, a hunk, a chunk, that the audience really digs, I keep doing it. And so does this chunk. Since last April, one of Trump's go-to killer bits involves me, although I'm only referred to by a variety of colorful names like "crazy maniac", "wacko comedian", "lowlife dummy". And yet, he often refers to this program as a "big show".
- [a montage of clips is shown of Trump using the phrases "crazy maniac" and "big show"]
- Self - Host: So... tonight, out of respect for the president, I am officially changing our name from "Real Time with Bill Maher" to "Big Show with Crazy Maniac."
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: And what is it that Crazy Maniac has been saying that put such a bug up Trump's ass? I'll let him tell you.
- [another montage of clips is shown]
- Self - Host: That's it, he tells the story about how I keep saying that if he loses the election in November, he's not going to leave. And I'll tell you why I keep saying that: because if Trump loses the election in November, he's not going to leave.
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Now... maybe I will be shown to be a crazy maniac. But I'm not alone in this anymore; last year, Michael Cohen agreed.
- [a clip of Cohen, Trump's former lawyer/fixer, testifying before Congress is shown]
- Self - Host: See?
- Self - Host: They once asked Trump the difference between him and Richard Nixon.
- [a clip is shown of Trump at a press conference saying "I don't leave"]
- Self - Host: [a picture of him in the Oval Office is then shown] Here he is last week - *last week* - what's on his desk? One thing: a map of the 2016 election. He still hasn't gotten over the election he won! He's a sore winner, so imagine when he actually loses. Here's what he said in 2016 when he thought he was going to lose.
- [a pair of clips is shown of Trump claiming the election will be rigged]
- Self - Host: So... the groundwork has been set. If Trump loses, there's zero chance he doesn't say it's a conspiracy by the deep state trying to take another rightful election from you people, "my people." Yes, let's talk about his people, the ones who would rather burn the place to the ground than hand the country over to some pinko who's trying to give them healthcare. Because his people have a very different idea about how power is transferred in a democracy.
- [a clip is shown of a Trump supporter saying "He's not gonna be removed. My .357 Magnum is comfortable with that"]
- Self - Host: Yeah, the truck-nut demographic...
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: ...is not gonna take it well, and Trump is counting on that. He once said, "I have the support of the police, the military, the bikers. I have the tough people, but they don't play it tough until they" - "they" meaning the Democrats - "go to a certain point, and then it would be very, very bad." Go to a certain point? And what could that point be where we need to involve the bikers?
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: And the other tough people? Like, maybe you losing an election? Is that when we've pushed it too far?
- Self - Host: Do me a favor: try and picture Donald Trump losing an election graciously; go ahead, I'll wait.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Try to imagine him on election night saying, "It was an honor to serve, but the people have spoken and I respect the results. I've called President-elect Klobuchar to tell her I'm..."
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: "... to tell her I'm rooting for her to succeed." It's inconceivable. Because above all, Donald Trump wants you to know one thing about him: he doesn't lose, period. Other than two marriages, three casinos, an airline...
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: ...a football league, four magazines, a vodka brand, a university, and a charity, Donald Trump never loses anything! Never loses and never wrong. So why would the White House be any different? This is a guy who farts and blames it on the dog, and he doesn't have a dog.
- Self - Host: My question to all Democratic candidates is... what's the plan? If you win, and the next day he claims he's voiding the election because of "irregularities" he's hearing about, what do you do? What do you do when the crowd that was in Virginia this week, 22,000 strong, marches on Washington? This is scary moment, and when I've asked Democrats "What do we do if he doesn't go?", their answer is always some variation of "We have to win big."
- [a clip montage of various political pundits is shown]
- Self - Host: Okay, first of all, NO!
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: No! We don't have to win by a landslide. Jesus. Fucking Democrats. I am so sick of Democrats volunteering to play by two different sets of rules. That's the new paradigm? Republicans can win by one vote, but we're not legitimate unless it's a landslide. Fuck.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: And two, do you really think it would matter if it was? That they would suddenly get rational about math and facts?
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: They believed Hillary ran a pedophile ring out of a pizza parlor. Do you think that the same Senate that refuses to even hear witnesses during an impeachment trial is gonna stop Trump when he calls the next election rigged? Who's going to stand up to him?
- [a picture of Bill Barr is shown]
- Self - Host: The Attorney General who auditioned for the job?
- [a picture of Mitch McConnell is shown]
- Self - Host: The Senate majority leader who killed every bill that could keep the Russians from interfering?
- [pictures of Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh are shown]
- Self - Host: The Supreme Court Justices he appointed? Who? Oh, that's right.
- [a picture of Maine senator Susan Collins is shown]
- Self - Host: Susan Collins.
- [sarcastic]
- Self - Host: She always comes through.