Greg Hahn: Self

Quotes 

• [about his service in the Marine Corps] 

  Greg Hahn : I wanted to be a sniper. I wanted to be swift, silent, and deadly. But I'm too big, noisy, and stupid.

  [laughter] 

• [about the Marine Corps] 

  Greg Hahn : That's the attitude, that's the word they use: "outstanding." Everything is outstanding. "Today, we're going to hit you in the head with a pipe." "Outstanding!"

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : The same week I came out of boot camp was the week my sister got married, and she had me seat the people at her wedding. I was squared away and fired up for this arrangement. I accepted this assignment. These people come walking up to me in front of the church: "Oh, you must be Patricia's brother."

  [as himself] 

  Greg Hahn : "SIT DOWN!"

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

  [back to normal] 

  Greg Hahn : Two hundred people showed up. I put them all in the same row.

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : [as himself]  "TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP!"

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : [as wedding guest]  "We are totally uncomfortable."

  Greg Hahn : [as himself]  "OUTSTANDING!"

• Greg Hahn : Who thinks I forgot to take my medication?

  [applause] 

  Greg Hahn : I don't take any medication. I should take something, shouldn't I? You know what I would take? I would take Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time. Just walk around super anti-depressed.

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : "Good morning, Greg." "Hip, hip Ho-RAAY!"

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : "High five myself, no friends. Come on!"

  [high-fives himself] 

  Greg Hahn : What if you took those pills, but you're already naturally happy, so you don't need them? Would you be like triple times crazy happy, trying to contain yourself all day?

  [crazy noises and screams] 

  Greg Hahn : Bad news would have no effect on me if I took all those pills, you know? "Your girlfriend's pregnant." "YEAH!" "It's not yours." "Well, he's the man!"

  [high-fives himself] 

  Greg Hahn : "Party whore!"

  [pantomimes blowing a party favor] 

• [about corporate job interviews] 

  Greg Hahn : They always ask you questions where they try to make you sabotage your own self, have you noticed? "Uh, so tell us, where do you think you could use improvement?" As if you're going to say "well, I am seething with hostility."

  [laughter] 

  Greg Hahn : "I love to throw STAPLERS!"

  [pantomimes throwing a stapler] 

  Greg Hahn : "I am no stranger to prison."

  [holds up his arms in mock handcuffs, and laughs] 

  Greg Hahn : "Hey, does this look like ringworm to you? RINGWORM! It's itchy, it's itchy!"

  [hold up his hand and scratches it] 

  Greg Hahn : I'm a biter, I love to bite!

  [growls like a dog] 

  Greg Hahn : "I HATE SOAP!"