- Jack: So when you find out the best thing that ever happened to you started with a lie, well, it's like building a house on quicksand. Sooner or later it all falls apart.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, in my experience, problems are like Bible salesmen or genital warts. If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later they disappear.
- Jack: Yeah, thanks for having my six back there.
- Lucifer Morningstar: But you told me to stay behind you. Which wasn't easy considering you spent so much time on the pavement.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Forget it, Trix. It's Chinatown.
- Trixie Espinoza: It's what?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Never mind.
- Lilith: All this time you've spent on Earth... have you ever connected with a human?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I've connected with thousands of humans. Once, Caligula and I made a human train of 37...
- Trixie Espinoza: This dagger. Has it ever killed anyone?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Not yet, no.
- Trixie Espinoza: [Holds up handcuffs] Do these work?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Uh... that depends on who you're asking.
- Paddy: Warmed them up for you, Mr. Stompanato.
- Tommy Stomponato: Thanks, boys.
- Trixie Espinoza: [Interrupts the story] Wait, hold it!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, for crying out loud.
- Trixie Espinoza: I thought you said Mr. Stompanato. "Mr." is a man.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative? I'm simply following your instructions.
- Lilith: [singing] I'm tired of being pure/ And not Chased/ Like something that seeks its level/ I wanna go to the Devil...
- Lucifer Morningstar: That's me.
- Melvin the Magnificent: For just twelve dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live... chicken!
- Lucifer Morningstar: It never ends well for the chicken.
- Melvin the Magnificent: Or you might prefer our economy package. Only six dollars! And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Quite a unique fellow, aren't you?
- William McKinnon: Mm.
- Lucifer Morningstar: There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.
- Lilith: I'm not talking about sex, Lucifer. I'm talking... about an emotional connection.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh! Absolutely not.
- [Chuckles]
- Lucifer Morningstar: It would take a literal miracle for me to want something like that, and I'm fairly certain my father's not handing those out anymore.
- Trixie Espinoza: What happened to Jack and Shirley? Did they live happily ever after?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, they moved to Des Moines, so... probably not.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Aren't you lucky to benefit from the experience your wife has gained with dozens, maybe hundreds of men? Firemen, barbers, sailors, carnival barkers...
- Jack: Yeah, I get it.
- Jack: You get a description?
- Gertie: Sure, sure. Handsome. Kind of beefy. Short-haired, strong jaw. Usually wears a plain blue suit. Oh! And an eye patch.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, you might have led with that.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I don't know why they called him Lucky Larry. This apartment is literally the most depressing hovel I've ever seen, and I've seen Kafka's Hell loop.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Since it very well be my last night on Earth, let's go to the bar.
- Trixie Espinoza: My parents wouldn't like that.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Wouldn't they? Sounds like grown-up problems to me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Not accurate, historically speaking, but quite bloody. My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Regarding Willie "The Sausage Prince"] My dear friend Sigmund would have had a field day with you.
- Jack: Can any of your "parishioners" account for your whereabouts from noon to six today?
- Melvin the Magnificent: Well, sure, I was here. I did four tarot card readings... uh, an exorcism... and a bar mitzvah.
- Lilith: My children are perfect. They can't be banished, because they have no home. Can't be abandoned, because they have no family.
- Lucifer Morningstar: They'll never be cast out of the proverbial garden.
- Lilith: You can never tell them what I've done today, Lucifer. Not if they are going to be unbreakable.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I don't believe I've seen you since...
- Lilith: Marie Antoinette's coming-out party.
- Lucifer Morningstar: And come out she did. Shame what happened to her.
- William McKinnon: Who the hell are you?
- Jack: Jack Monroe, PI.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.
- Melvin the Magnificent: Melvin the Magnificent, at your service! Board-certified priest, oracle, shaman, and justice of the peace.
- Lilith: So I hitch a ride through the Americas with this explorer, Hernán Cortés, obsessed with gold, rains bloodshed and terror wherever he goes. A real wet blanket.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Once you do this, there's no going back. Are you sure?
- Lilith: Just one thing.
- Lilith: And it never ends with you, does it? Although I suppose it will now.
- Jack: [Tommy Stomponato is found dead] They took his heart. What do you think they did with it?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, he didn't seem the type to wear it on his sleeve.