The Thick of It (TV Series)

Spinners and Losers (2007)

Justin Edwards: Ben Swain

Quotes 

• Robyn Murdoch : The Mail's got hold of a story about Ben being racist to a cleaner and saying racist things!

  Terri Coverley : Yeah, and they're gonna run with a headline "Uncle Tom's Cabinet", which is gonna be a really big problem for us, actually, because it's a very very good headline!

  Ben Swain : I'm not a racist! I'm so not a racist! One of my best friends is an Asian! No, I know that sounds...

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  You! That's it! I'm not standing for that! It's over! You're fucking a dead man walking!

  Jamie : You think I leaked this?

  Malcolm Tucker : What do you think I am, seven years old?

  Jamie : Kiss my bollocks, this has got nothing to do with me!

  [to Ollie] 

  Jamie : It was you!

  Oliver Reeder : No, it wasn't fucking me! Why would it be me? I thought we'd be working together in the new administration!

  Glenn Cullen : The new administration! Listen to the First Lady!

  Oliver Reeder : Shut up, Glenn. Shut up.

  Jamie : I've got it!

  [about Robyn] 

  Jamie : It was fucking Johnny Mitchel here, it was her!

  Robyn Murdoch : I've leaked nothing!

  Jamie : What are you talking about?

  Robyn Murdoch : Other than the incidental leak, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  I know it was you. You're a pint pot Judas.

  Jamie : It wasn't me!

  Malcolm Tucker : A pint pot Judas!

  Jamie : I'm five foot ten!

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, you don't feel that.

  Glenn Cullen : Malcolm. It wasn't him. It was me.

  Jamie : Oh, fuck off.

  Oliver Reeder : No way. No way.

  Glenn Cullen : I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!

  Oliver Reeder : You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

• Ben Swain : Have you tracked Dan Miller?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, he's nowhere, man, he's fucking nowhere. The good news, however, is that the Tom wobble is over. That's great, isn't it?

  Ben Swain : Yeah! So, he's not wobbling, he's... What does it mean?

  Malcolm Tucker : Well it means that all the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship and a plain deck, so that's lovely, isn't it?

  Ben Swain : What does it mean for me?

  Malcolm Tucker : I guess that means that you are standing in a chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a "vote for me" sticking on the end.

  Ben Swain : But you said I had a chance! Half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't fucking get... Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted! Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina Maccoll is the new Pope! Maybe you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your own future, ok? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Thomasville pronto, yeah? "Half an hour"...

• Ben Swain : Hi Glenn.

  Glenn Cullen : Ben. How's everything with you? How's the huddle? What is the next mooove?

  Ben Swain : The next mooove, my aged retainer, will be the next mooove.

  Glenn Cullen : Oh well, gosh, I got to write that down, does it mean anything?

• Oliver Reeder : Ben. A quick thought.

  Ben Swain : Come on, then, enlighten us, grasshoper.

  Oliver Reeder : Tom's dying. He doesn't have to die. We can take his DNA and transfer it to a healthier host.

  Ben Swain : What are you talking about?

  Oliver Reeder : Science fiction analogy. What I'm saying is why don't we sound out a potential fallback?

  Nick Hanway : Who?

  Oliver Reeder : Claire Ballantine. She's highly regarded, she's clean...

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, yeah, I get it... To be honest, I was really hoping that was gonna be shit because I'm tired and I quite like to hit somebody.

• Ben Swain : So why have you got me? Why have you called me back in? Are we gonna do a post-Claire, preemptive-Dan Miller strike?

  Malcolm Tucker : We're thinking, Ben, about you.

  Ben Swain : About... As in, ME?

  Malcolm Tucker : People still want a Tom figure, but Tom is tainted, you know, but you, you're clean, you know. You are the exactable face of Tom. Tom is analog in a digital age. You are Digital Ben. You're DigiBen. I think, I really think you could get it. I really do. I really, genuinely do.

  Ben Swain : [shocked]  Oh, shitcakes. So I could be like a younger, sort of hunger... hungrier, leaner version of Tom?

  Malcolm Tucker : Not leaner.

  Ben Swain : Allright, a younger, hungrier Tom.

  Malcolm Tucker : That's it! I mean, because there's an army of people out there who want Tom's ideas. You could bring those ideas, but you know, without the dribbling.

• Jamie : It's show time! Can Teflon Tucker save the Nutters or will Dan Miller rip his sculp off and use it as an oven glove?

  Nick Hanway : [Ben and Nick coming down the stairs]  Guys! Is he here? Dan's not arrived yet, is he?

  Malcolm Tucker : Laurel and fucking Hardy! Glad you could join us. Did you manage to get that piano up the stairs ok, yeah?

  Jamie : Oh, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Right Honourable Dan Miller, MP!

  Dan Miller : Oh, the reception committee. What a turn out. And they say no one is interested in politics. Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Nick.

  Nick Hanway : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Ben.

  Ben Swain : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Jamie.

  Jamie : God, enough with the pleasensies here, let's just oil up and get fucking, yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm looking forward to today.

  Dan Miller : Today should be very interesting.

  Malcolm Tucker : I just wonder what are you actually gonna be saying on Today.

  Dan Miller : On the Today program? Well I'll be saying that I'll be fully endorsing Tom. Tom's my guy and he always has been.

  Nick Hanway : Really? Is that it? No buts, no elephant traps?

  Dan Miller : No, no. Tom and I came to an arrangement about an hour or so ago.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, my work here is done.

  Nick Hanway : Why wasn't I told?

  Jamie : [Jamie does a flying movement with his hand, complete with whistling. Nick looks at him in puzzlement]  It's the sound of you flying out of the loop head first into a huge mound of shite.

  Nick Hanway : So this whole evening has just been a waste of time.

  [Jamie does the flying thing again] 

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, yeah, I got it, got it.

  Dan Miller : Yes, yes, that's pretty much it. That's why I went home, had a good night's sleep. Oh, by the way, Malcolm, Tom said to liaise with you on the press and...

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes, yes, offfcourse, yeah...

  [Tucker recieves a message on his beeper] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, God. Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning, some details about Claire Ballentine maybe, Geoff Holhurst, young Benjamin here.

  Nick Hanway : Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.

• Ben Swain : Right, Glenn, I'm gonna leave you to your switchboard duties.

  Glenn Cullen : Don't worry about us.

  Ben Swain : Back where the action is. Don't wanna miss a chance getting into Uncle Tom's Cabinet.

  Oliver Reeder : Ok...

  Ben Swain : Problems?

  Oliver Reeder : It's hammer-time. There's been a wild cat walkout at Watford Immigration Center. Whoever's leeking has told the press we weren't prepared to spend money on the repairs of the computer system. The Mail has told them that this department refuses point-blank to do or say anything about it, so the night shift walked out.

  Glenn Cullen : Robyn! What the fuck do you think you're doing?

  Robyn Murdoch : I cold-cocked! You said to! I said nothing was happening, I said nothing was going on here!

  Glenn Cullen : For fuck's sake, where did you learn that? The Civil Servant's school of telling the fucking truth?

  Robyn Murdoch : You said 'cold cocks'!

  Ben Swain : Ollie, I want you to deal with that. I'm gonna get back to the huddle. You get onto the press, tell them I'm all over it, I'm gonna instigate this spectrum-wide sweep of every espect of the... the thing, that I'm not being distracted by leadepship debates.

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah, no problem, Ben. I'll see you at the hotel.

  Ben Swain : Ahh... Yeah, sure, but get this done, we'll see.

  Oliver Reeder : Bring me back a tiny wee Fanta from the MiniBar.

• Ben Swain : [Tom's huddle, after the pills story spreads around, lavatory]  It's all gone a bit brawww out there, isn't it?

  Nick Hanway : There's always wobbles, there were last time.

  Ben Swain : Fat Pat was just on the phone to Tom, asking him if he wants to withdraw.

  Nick Hanway : Are you pissing about?

  Ben Swain : No, well, not anymore... So, what now?

  Nick Hanway : Fuck!

  Ben Swain : She wasn't saying he should withdraw, she was just saying he should... consider it.

  Nick Hanway : Have you gone mad in your blinky head? That's senior Communications telling our boss "You know, we'll just leave that shotgun lying there, in case you wanna use it, mister Cobain".

• Ben Swain : Where does it leave me?

  Malcolm Tucker : I guess it leaves you standing in a chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a "vote for me" sticking on the end.

• Glenn Cullen : I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!

  Oliver Reeder : You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

  Oliver Reeder : "Ben's Glenn"? That's all I am, I'm Ben's Glenn.

  Ben Swain : What's wrong with that? It's not like it's a disease!

  Oliver Reeder : It's not the "Ben" bit, it's the "Glenn" bit.