"Shining Time Station" Crackpot (TV Episode 1991) - George Carlin as Mr. Conductor

Becky : Do you collect anything, Mr. Conductor?

Mr. Conductor : [raises his sole] Chewing-gum.
Stacy Jones : I'm so sorry, Mr. Conductor, I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Conductor : I'm glad to hear that, Stacy. I've already had a heart-stopping morning.

Stacy Jones : Ohh, sounds dangerous.

Mr. Conductor : I was lucky to escape with my life.

Stacy Jones : Oh, let me guess, you were - water-skiing with sharks.

Mr. Conductor : No, riskier.

Stacy Jones : Uh... exploring caves in search of treasure.

Mr. Conductor : Much more dangerous than that.

Stacy Jones : Uh... climbing the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas?

Mr. Conductor : No! Worse! I was working lawn-croquet!
Stacy Jones : [the vase he was in was juggled] Oh, Mr. Conductor, are you all right?

Mr. Conductor : I will be as soon as I get my balance.

Stacy Jones : Oh, well how 'bout - how 'bout another good spot of tea?

Mr. Conductor : Another spot of tea would be nice, but I think I'll take it back to the English garden party, where all I have to worry about is getting run over by croquet-balls.
Kara : [after his story] I'm glad the forest has grown back.

Mr. Conductor : Forests do that. Leaves do, too. But friendships - they can't grow back once they're broken. That's why we always have to take care of them.
Stacy Jones : I... I like these cracks. It gives it character, and it makes me think of all of you.

Mr. Conductor : Stacy, are you calling me a crackpot?

George Carlin: Mr. Conductor