Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Houseguests (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Rochelle : [During dinner]  Now, wait a minute. You know we say Grace every night.

  Chris : No, we don't.

  Rochelle : Yes, we do. Now, shut up and bless the food.

  Narrator : If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person.

• Eddie : [to Julius]  Hey, man. What are you doing? I thought I told you to wait in the car.

  Julius : I'm calling my wife. I haven't talked to her all day.

  Eddie : Do you want $1,000 or do you want to talk to your wife?

  Narrator : Nobody had to ask my father that question twice.

• Narrator : Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

  Ms. Morello : What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?

  Greg Wuliger : [wakes up]  1942.

  Ms. Morello : Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

  Chris : It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

  Ms. Morello : Oh my God, he's drunk? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

  Greg Wuliger : I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

  Ms. Morello : Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

  Narrator : She was Don Imus in a dress.

• Rochelle : [When Rochelle has the house all nice for Greg]  Hello, Greg! Hors d'oeuvre?

  Greg Wuliger : [to Chris]  If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

  Rochelle : Come. Eat.

  Narrator : Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!

• Narrator : Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was staying over or taking over.

  Chris : You're wearing Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15.

  Greg Wuliger : I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight, I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.

  [speaking in a robotic voice] 

  Greg Wuliger : Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

  Narrator : He should pray for some self-esteem.

• Julius : [to Eddie]  Where to?

  Eddie : Las Vegas.

  Julius : Seriously, man, where to?

  Eddie : Las Vegas, Nevada.

  Julius : Man, you crazy. Get out of my cab.

  Eddie : Hey, no. Seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.

  Julius : Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas.

  Eddie : Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?

  Narrator : For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.

• Greg Wuliger : [to Chris]  Why didn't you wake me up?

  Chris : You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

  Greg Wuliger : That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!

  Chris : Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way, you coulda flown to school.

  [walks away; Greg glares at Chris] 

  Narrator : Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

• Narrator : After a week of doing things for Greg, the hardest thing was something I had to do for myself.

  Chris : [to Greg]  Are you asleep?

  Greg Wuliger : I'm not talking to you. But if I were talking to you, I'd tell you how angry I am because of what you did.

  Chris : Look, I'm sorry, but you know how tired you were last night? That's how tired I am every night, but I don't get to cry about it. I just got to deal with it.

  Greg Wuliger : You don't have it so hard.

  Chris : How do you figure that?

  Greg Wuliger : So you live in Bed-Stuy, it takes you three hours to get to school and you have an after-school job. So what? I wish I had someone to fight over the TV or bathroom with. The last thing my mother cooked on the stove got her a year of probation. I don't do everything on my own because I want to. I do it 'cause I have to.

  Chris : Dang. I guess I never thought of it like that.

  Greg Wuliger : Sorry, man. I didn't mean to be such a pain.

  Chris : Aw, forget it. I'll tell Ms. Morello what happened and maybe she'll let you take a make-up exam.

  Greg Wuliger : You think?

  Chris : Yeah. I'll just tell her that you drank a 40 by accident.

• Narrator : If my father was alive to see the price of gas today, it'd kill him.