- Stan Smith: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
- Francine Smith: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
- Stan Smith: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.
- Snot Lonstein: Hey, Steve. It's Thursday night, which means it's time to tease some pedophiles on the Internet.
- Barry Robinson: An insurance salesman in Ohio wants to fly me to Disneyland.
- Joanna: Oh, a wedding. Lots of guys are afraid of commitment.
- Stan Smith: I'm not. I'll commit to anything. I'm on a six-year cell phone plan.
- Joanna: I've a 14-year gym membership.
- Stan Smith: I have a lifetime subscription to Ebony. Checked the wrong box. Not giving it up.
- Roger the Alien: [Persian Club Shark] My cousin makes porno and I think you girls should get involved, I hear it makes you feel really good about yourself.