Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Jimmy Fallon/Keith Olbermann/Steven Kaplan (2007)

Steven Kaplan: Self - Guest

Quotes 

• Steven Kaplan : [describing a piece of bread in great detail]  It appeals to the sight, it appeals to the sound, you you feel it cracking...

  Conan O'Brien : How many restaurants have you been thrown out of recently?

  [audience laughter] 

  Conan O'Brien : I'm just curious, the guy comes, brings you the bread, you're poking and prodding and mounting and thrusting, and rolling around...

  [audience cheers] 

  Steven Kaplan : No no, I bring my own bread. I don't trust 'em.

  Conan O'Brien : You bring your own bread?

  Steven Kaplan : Yes, I have my bread in my briefcase, if the bread is a piece of shit as it normally is.

  Conan O'Brien : Hey hey hey hey! What the hell is going on tonight? Keith, Keith Olbermann is showing dirty cards, you're raping bread, this is crazy!

• Steven Kaplan : [going to spit out the bread he sampled]  In the great taxonomy of things, there are swallowers, and there are spitters.

  [audience laughs/cheers] 

  Conan O'Brien : [uncomfortably]  I guess that would make me a swallower. If this segment airs tonight, I'll be very surprised.

  [laughs] 

  Conan O'Brien : Oh God... wow.

  [holding up Steven's book] 

  Conan O'Brien : The book LOOKS innocent enough! Wouldn't look like it would need a brown wrapper over it.

  Steven Kaplan : A fruit of considerable labor.

  Conan O'Brien : Yes.

  Steven Kaplan : Another sexual image.

  Conan O'Brien : Uh, wha, what?

  Steven Kaplan : Labor, going into labor.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh my God, okay, if you keep going, I'm trying to get us out of here before the cops show up.

• Steven Kaplan : [tasting bread with Conan]  This is a good piece of bread. No?

  Conan O'Brien : [indifferently]  It's, it's good bread.

  Steven Kaplan : How, how much good bread have you eaten?

  Conan O'Brien : I eat bread, I go out and eat bread.

  Steven Kaplan : Yeah, Wonder Bread, I imagine.

  Conan O'Brien : Hey!

  [audience boos] 

  Conan O'Brien : Suddenly, you don't like Wonder Bread, huh? What's wrong with Wonder Bread?

  Steven Kaplan : It's tasteless, it's insipid, it's without any interest, it has no crust, it has a crumb that's charged with chemicals, why else should I like it?

  Conan O'Brien : Is Wonder Bread ever a sponsor on this show, Jeff? It IS? Leave my show! You're insulting some of the best bread ever made.