- [Tom and Cal have accidentally chopped the head off a RealCare baby with a guillotine]
- Danny Tripp: How's it goin'?
- Tom Jeter: Good.
- Danny Tripp: OH MY GOD!
- Tom Jeter: 'cept that we beheaded the baby.
- Danny Tripp: The hell did you do?
- Cal Shanley: Problem?
- Danny Tripp: Yes, it's a problem. This is a special doll with... with computer sensors.
- Cal Shanley: I've heard about those things. RealCare babies, they're supposed to be indestructible.
- Danny Tripp: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80 pound hydraulic axe on their head.
- Danny Tripp: The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no, it's not gonna be a problem."
- Matt Albie: Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used?
- Danny Tripp: It's Wednesday night; it all comes together on Wednesday night.
- Jordan McDeere: So why do I pay you guys for Monday and Tuesday?
- Danny Tripp: Because you love me.
- Jordan McDeere: A little.
- Danny Tripp: No, huge.
- Jordan McDeere: Mmm, I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.
- Jordan McDeere: [about her new "Real Care" baby's crying] It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
- Danny Tripp: The real baby's gonna do that too.
- Jordan McDeere: Yeah, but now I know not to... you know...
- Danny Tripp: Stuff the baby in a bag? You knew that before.
- Jordan McDeere: But now I can practice comforting.
- Danny Tripp: You turned it off with a remote.
- Danny Tripp: Look, I know you're nervous, and God understands that. So he made the first year an on ramp, okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
- Jordan McDeere: You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
- Danny Tripp: Okay, you don't drive the baby. Ever.
- Jordan McDeere: [to Danny] Hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave here.
- Tom Jeter: [on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer.
- Simon Stiles: I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator!
- Tom Jeter: Look...
- Simon Stiles: My Navigator Tom!