- Steve Smith: [while studying] Chlorine, bromine... crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words "teen" and "ass" in it.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in "Spooning with Anger."
- Steve Smith: So?
- Roger the Alien: So? That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks that Valerie Bertinelli's classic, "Please Kevin, Not in the Face."
- Steve Smith: [to Roger about Henry hurting him] Oh, my God, your eye! Did he hit you?
- Roger the Alien: It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission.
- Steve Smith: Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie and you remember what happened to her.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen to me.
- Stan Smith: Ah, Mr. Pibb. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing and totally lacking in pretension.
- Roger the Alien: [When Roger and Henry are playing video games] I win.
- Henry: Let's have a rematch.
- Roger the Alien: Nah, let's do something else. Ooh, ooh, let's play catch with a Koosh ball.
- Henry: I said I want a rematch!
- Roger the Alien: Ow, you're hurting me! Let me go!
- Henry: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you.
- Roger the Alien: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that's exactly what you've done because I am hurting very much so.
- Henry: It's just that I hate to lose and I don't own a Koosh ball and I thought you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore!
- [starts crying]
- Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of Amaretto and busted a growler in a museum donation box.
- Henry: [to Steve] You come after us, I'll turn him into the government and rat out your whole family. Give it up, butt-face! He's my alien now.
- Roger the Alien: [as he's riding in Henry's bike] This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine.
- Hayley Smith: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
- Klaus: I've had this flu for like two weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
- Hayley Smith: I was talking to Steve.
- Klaus: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!
- Steve Smith: I lost Roger, Hayley. I was wrapped up in my science project and I yelled at him, and I drove him into the arms of a kid who beats him!
- Hayley Smith: Oh. I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
- Steve Smith: I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?
- Hayley Smith: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
- Jeff Fischer: [as he peaks out of the pantry] Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
- Hayley Smith: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
- [throws something at the pantry; Jeff goes back inside]
- Henry: Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, Henry, yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!
- Steve Smith: No! God, Roger, what the hell? You're the most backward-ass advanced live form ever.
- Henry: See? He doesn't care about you.
- Steve Smith: Look, Roger. I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend.