- [first lines]
- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] At various junctures in all relationships, someone has to perform a selfless act in order to protect that relationship's core. In baseball, that's called taking one for the team. It's not fun, it's gonna sting, but if it gives your team an edge, you do it, and you do it with a big fake smile on your face... usually.
- Brendan Dorff: Have you ever had an egg that just came out of a chicken?
- Mike Callahan: No, and I've never taken a swig out of a cow's utter, but I don't think I'm missing out.
- Trouty: Hey, sweets for the sweet.
- P.J. Franklin: Sugar cubes.
- Trouty: It's, like, old-school style from Mother Brit.
- P.J. Franklin: Wow, thanks. I'll give them... to my horses?
- [Trouty invites the gang to the exclusive Streisand Club]
- Kenny Morittori: I've read about this place, and it's supposed to be epic, like the old Playboy clubs, and super exclusive. I heard Cusack couldn't get Piven in.
- Mike Callahan: How MUCH like the old Playboy clubs, and more to the point - and I think we all know where I'm going with this - how hot are the waitresses?
- Trouty: No bunny ears or powder puff tails, but the rabbit meat is of similar quality.
- Mike Callahan: All right, party people, we ready for our big night out?
- Kenny Morittori: [appraising Mike's outfit] Yes. Um, it's not a mime club.
- Mike Callahan: [appraising Kenny's outfit] Which one are you, Crockett or Tubbs?
- Kenny Morittori: Well, played.
- P.J. Franklin: [to Mike] That's a good one, David Copperfield.
- Trouty: Hey, these are my peeps, of whom I've told you about.
- Steve: Yeah, of course. Know them in an instant. Um... you must be, uh, Ken-dawg, uh, Mike the Red, Brendl, Boo-boo and, of course, PJ.
- Brendan Dorff: [to Kenny] How come she gets to be "PJ?"
- Kenny Morittori: Trouty called her Peanut Butter and Jelly once and she punched him.