- Joy: [to the tune of 'Ding Dong the witch is dead'] Ding Dong my witness is dead, my witness is dead, my witness is dead.
- Joy: Why do you care so much about this guy anyway?
- Earl: 'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream.
- Joy: That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it. That's how I got through cheating on you all those years. Please, you know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car while I was humping Darnell.
- [after Earl has insisted that he wants a traditional funeral]
- Funeral Director: [disappointed] A Box, you want a box. You want the Number Three Package, with the Blue suit, the Hillview Plad, Pachelbel's Canon in D on Organ, with the Stargazer Lillies, and a card with the Twenty-Third slam on it.
- Earl: Not the Cannon that Sounds a little Dangerous. Should I just go to Nathanville?
- Funeral Director: No, I'll do it. I need the money, I get sued a lot.