- Officer Jay McPherson: Yeah, so my partner got supsended because this Hispanic kid pulls a gun on him, Paul opens fire. Turns out it's a pellet gun. It looked really real, though.
- Laura Silverman: There should be a law that those things have to come in bright colors.
- Sarah Silverman: Laura, they're human beings!
- Sarah Silverman: Anyway, good night Dougie.
- [kisses dog]
- Sarah Silverman: I hope you die in your sleep tonight. Nah, I'm just kiddin'. But if it had to be one of us, I hope it's you.
- Brian: Mannnn, I'm so jonesing for the T-A-B right now.
- Steve: Alright. I get it. I shouldn't have asked you to try something new. You can quit punishing me now.
- Brian: Why would I punish you Steve, when it's you who released me from a Tab-free prison of my own design, and led me to the discovery of my new favorite beverage... TAB?
- Steve: Is this all you have?
- Clerk: Uhh... yeah, I think...
- Steve: That's too bad. It's his favorite.
- Brian: You don't, like, sell a machine that makes Tab, do you? Wouldn't that be great, then I'd drink it all day. It's funny, I never even tried the stuff before this morning.
- Steve: I know, I totally pushed it on him. I was a huge dick about it.
- Brian: Oh, in his defense, it is such an important thing, I mean, here was this brand of soda I'd never tried before; you know, and I was about to go my whole life without ever trying it. Which is insane, right? And then I tried it, and now I know, it's the greatest thing ever! And I'm gonna drink it and talk about it for-e-v-er.
- Steve: And I'm gonna be right there alongside him, helping him, because I love him.
- Clerk: Cool.
- Sarah Silverman: [singing] Whether you're gay or straight, or black or white, or Asian... but just those five, just those five kinds of people.
- Brian: All I wanted to do was not have that sip, Steve, but you persevered, and I had that sip, and thank Tab I did, because my previous life was just a dream, but now I'm awake!
- Sarah Silverman: Ooh, ooh, Tig! Do you know how many, uh, lesbians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
- Tig: Uh-uh, no.
- [exits]
- Sarah Silverman: Oh.
- Brian: She should know that.
- Sarah Silverman: Yeah.
- Laura Silverman: I think it's three.
- Sarah Silverman: Hello?
- Natalie: Hi. Sarah? It's Natalie.
- Sarah Silverman: Natalie... Tall, thin Natalie? or Natalie Bishop?
- Natalie: Natalie Bishop.
- Sarah Silverman: Ooooh. Hiiii.
- Sarah Silverman: So Tig, tell us about yourself. Pour us a piping hot cup of Tig!
- Tig: Well, I'm a lesbian...
- Officer Jay McPherson: Which is fine! Ya know, cause nobody cares.
- Sarah Silverman: What *is* a lesbian? Ya know, what is anything? What's a unicorn? It's a horse with a horn on it's head that's magic... Ya know, a lesbian is just a woman with a horn on her head... that's magic...