Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Cutting School (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• [Greg and Chris have successfully cut school and are roaming the streets] 

  Narrator : The weirdest thing about being out of school on a school day was plain and simple: no kids.

  Greg Wuliger : This feels strange, like everyone is watching us.

  Narrator : Almost like being a black kid at an all white school?

  [Chris and Greg approach the box office] 

  Ticket Man : [to an older gentleman]  Enjoy the show.

  Chris : Uh, two tickets for "Ghostbusters", please?

  Ticket Man : Two dollars.

  Ticket Man : [nearly hands the boys their tickets, stops and gets suspicious]  Why aren't you kids in school?

  Greg Wuliger : Uh, see... it's a...

  Chris : A black... uh, holiday!

  Ticket Man : Yeah? Which one?

  Greg Wuliger : Yeah, Chris. Which one?

  Chris : Uh, The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman Day!

  Ticket Man : Great woman. She was a credit to your race.

  Narrator : [regarding the ticket man's ethnicity]  And Howdy Doody is a credit to yours!

  Ticket Man : [turns toward Greg]  What are you doing here?

  Greg Wuliger : I'm an octoroon.

  Narrator : In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

  Ticket Man : Okay, enjoy the show. Happy holidays.

  [Chris and Greg head into the theater lobby] 

  Narrator : If I made it past this guy, I might finally be able to see Ernie Hudson's best work!

• Narrator : The only problem with my mother helping out at a book fair was that she didn't read books and she wasn't fair!

  Rochelle : [sees a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives"]  Girl, does your mother know you're over here reading grown up books? Gimme that!

  [Rochelle grabs the book and gives the girl a copy of "Flowers in the Attic"] 

  Rochelle : Flowers in the Attic. Now that sounds nice. Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind and don't cut your eyes at me either.

  [Rochelle leaves and approaches a young black boy coloring] 

  Rochelle : Boy, don't you know you're too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are building sculptures by now and you're over here trying to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso!

  [Rochelle places a chisel and brick on the table] 

  Rochelle : Get to chipping! Come on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

• DMV Clerk : Can I help you?

  Julius : Yes, you can help me. I'm here to renew my license.

  [the DMV clerks puts on her glasses and examines Julius' license] 

  DMV Clerk : This license is expired.

  Julius : No, it's not. It expires today.

  DMV Clerk : It expired today at 10:00 AM. It is almost two o'clock.

  Julius : Yeah, but I've been standing in line since 7:45 A.M.

  DMV Clerk : Are you one of those people who likes to wait until the last minute to pay?

  Julius : [annoyed]  No, I'm one of those people who likes to wait until the last four hours and 15 minutes to pay!

  DMV Clerk : Would you like a dime so you can call someone who cares?

  Narrator : I can't believe he didn't take the dime!

  Julius : Please... can't I just give you my money and go?

  DMV Clerk : Yeah... after you take your written test.

  [the DMV clerk gives Julius a written test] 

  Julius : I've been driving for over 20 years; I know the rules of the road!

  [the clerks points Julius to the testing area] 

  Narrator : My father knew the rules of the road. But they were his rules.

  [Julius is shown driving recklessly through a construction zone] 

  Narrator : In a construction zone, you speed up.

  [we see pedestrians are walking their bikes over the crosswalk, they run out of the way as a car plows through wrecking their bikes] 

  Narrator : If pedestrians are entering the crosswalk, speed up.

  [Julius smashes through the gate of a railroad crossing beating the train in the process] 

  Narrator : At a railroad crossing, you really speed up.

• Ms. Morello : Chris, I know you must be a big Ernie Hudson fan. Thalmus is too. But do you think Ernie Hudson cut school to go see Gary Coleman movies when he was growing up?

  Narrator : Gary Coleman made a movie?