- Announcer: The Waltons Move To Mount St. Helen's will not be seen at this time due to a natural catastrophe. In its place we present the following UN-natural catastrophe.
- Christine McGlade: [helping Kevin pack for camping] Kevin, you've forgotten the most important thing.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: What's that?
- Christine McGlade: A pack of cards.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Pack of cards? What do I need a pack of cards for?
- Christine McGlade: Okay, suppose you get lost.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: 'kay.
- Christine McGlade: All you have to do is take out the cards and start playing solitaire, and pretty soon some idiot's gonna stand and start looking over your shoulder and tell you which card to play.
- Alasdair Gillis: Dad, why do all campers bring beans on camping trips?
- Lance Prevort: Well, you see, Alasdair, the great outdoors is the only safe place to eat 'em.
- Camp Councilor: It is my duty as your troop leader to show you how to make a fire at any time, anywhere, out in the wild, wild woods. I want each of you to take two sticks and rub them together.
- Lisa Ruddy: Why would we want to do that?
- Camp Councilor: Well, it keeps you busy while I go up to the truck to get some matches.
- Doctor: Alasdair, I'm going to have to put you on a diet of natural foods.
- Alasdair Gillis: Natural foods?
- Doctor: [writing] Two tons of alfalfa sprouts. Let's see... a hundred pounds of powdered yeast. Fifty gallons of cider vinegar.
- Alasdair Gillis: Will all this help me?
- Doctor: Help YOU? No, not you - my nephew. Just opened up a health food store.
- Mother Nature: Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest?
- Alasdair Gillis, Vanessa Lindores: [in unison] Aw, but Nother Nature...
- Mother Nature: And don't talk with your mouths empty!
- Alasdair Gillis, Vanessa Lindores: [in unison] We're sorry.
- Mother Nature: And stop being so polite!
- Lance Prevort: [telling his fish story] Valerie, you should have seen that sucker. It was THAT big... oh, sorry. I took a picture of it and the PICTURE weighed eleven pounds.
- Christine McGlade: So, tell me, Lisa, did you, uh, enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, I sure did. And, Moose, the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.
- Christine McGlade: Really? Oh, that's nice. What made you think of me?
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, you know, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike - shallow and dirty, and most of all very, very wide at the bottom.
- Lance Prevort: You like the great outdoors, do you?
- Alasdair Gillis: Yeah, I think it's great.
- Lance Prevort: Good! I'll give ya a chance to sample it first hand: Take out the garbage.
- Christine McGlade: You know, Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?
- Lisa Ruddy: Yeah.
- Christine McGlade: Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.
- Lisa Ruddy: Oh, you mean I'm lyrical and romantic?
- Christine McGlade: Oh-ho-ho. No, you're wet, twisted, loud and you run on forever.
- Mr. Schidtler: Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe?
- Lisa Ruddy: Oh!
- Mr. Schidtler: Lisa?
- Lisa Ruddy: Earth.
- Mr. Schidtler: Right. That's one. Um, Kevin!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Eh, air!
- Mr. Schidtler: Yeah, that's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?
- Christine McGlade: Uhm... fire!
- Mr. Schidtler: Right. And now Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
- Vanessa Lindores: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
- Mr. Schidtler: Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is or you tell me you don't know.
- Vanessa Lindores: Well, either way I get something dumped on me. Okay - water.
- [Water pours onto her head from above]
- Mr. Schidtler: Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.
- Vanessa Lindores: Dad, what does Thanksgiving really mean?
- Lance Prevort: Thanks... thanksgiving, Vanessa? It's a time to give thanks and to celebrate the bounty of nature.
- Vanessa Lindores: How?
- Lance Prevort: By killin' a turkey and eatin' it. But, mind you, we do things different around this place.
- Vanessa Lindores: Well, in what way?
- Lance Prevort: Well, we seem to celebrate Thanksgiving by having a bunch of turkeys over to eat.
- [Doorbell rings]
- Lance Prevort: Oh, that's the door. You'd better get it. It's probably your mother's turke... um... relatives.