- Satan: We have found it. This is the prophecy. When we translate this text, we will know the identity of the anti-christ. It says... that a woman wil agree to bear the child of Satan in exchange for... a Datsun 280ZX.
- Lucy's Mom: Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!
- Satan: Sorry, sorry.
- Lucy's Mom: I know it's not on purpose...
- Satan: I know! I know! Noted. Noted.
- Lucy's Mom: If it's not the hooves, it's the horns.
- Satan: What? You wanna stop?
- Lucy's Mom: No, no, no. Let's keep going. Keep going. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just...
- Satan: Well, now I don't...
- Lucy's Mom: What? Do I need to...
- Satan: No. I'll- no.
- Lucy's Mom: Oh, I really...
- Satan: I'll just get some water...
- Lucy's Mom: I'm glad you're here!
- Satan: I'll be right back.
- Satan: Well, Lucy was actually at that club...
- Becky: At Armageddon?
- Satan: Yeah, flirting with the DJ.
- Becky: Your daughter?
- Satan: Uh-huh.
- Becky: The anti-christ?
- Satan: That's correct.
- Becky: Was at Armageddon, flirting with someone who may possibly be the second coming?
- Satan: Sounds crappy when you say it.
- Special Father #1: Do you think that on a Coast Guard cutter, in the middle of the ocean, they made instant cocoa and put shaved cinnamon on it?
- Special Father #2: It's possible!
- Special Father #1: It is not possible.
- Becky: Here- here's what we have... His name might be Jesus and he's very possibly a DJ who works nightclubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs, proms, that kind of thing. Somewhere in California...
- Satan: Well, you should run the computer model again because...
- Becky: I agree!
- Satan: That's unlikely that it's another Jesus. That's impossible.
- Lucy: Dad, I gotta go. I'm going out. We'll talk another time.
- Satan: Oh, oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait.
- Lucy: Have another drink.
- Satan: I have a favor to ask you.
- Lucy: What's the favor?
- Satan: I mean, a present... to give you. I have a present to give you.
- Lucy: What is it?
- Satan: I want you to go out on a date with a friend of mine, who is a U.S. Senator. Right? He's rich and...
- Lucy: Ew.
- Satan: He's good looking. Sort of.
- Lucy: I've actually met a nice guy and I'm with him right now. Which is why I can't talk, so please let me go, okay? Goodbye!
- Satan: Well, I'll tell you something, Lucy. I don't think this "nice guy" is going to be a part of your life for much longer.
- Lucy: What does that...
- Satan: Hmm?
- Lucy: I said, what does that mean?
- Satan: Nothing...
- Lucy: Dad!
- Satan: Ha ha...
- Lucy: YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!
- Satan: MWAHAHAHA. Sorry.
- The Senator: So'd you like riding over here in a helicopter?
- Lucy: Um, no! I actually think it's a total waste of energy to take a helicopter 8 blocks.
- The Senator: I know! It's hilarious, isn't it?
- The Senator: You're playing it pretty cool with me! Very "get out of my face"! Very "I'm not impressed with your power and money"!
- Lucy: You are an ENORMOUS douchebag!
- Co-Pilot: Hey, folks, this is your co-pilot speakin'. Um, if there's an exorcist or a priest on board, could you uh please identify yourself to a member of the flight crew. Sure would appreciate it, thank you. Kinda need you to do that right away, be good. Once again, you can find the audio for Legally Blonde 2 on channel 11.