- [about moving into a new apartment]
- Mike Birbiglia: I have this habit of making awkward situations more awkward. I was moving my bed in last week, and this woman who lived in the building opened the front door of the building with her key. And she said "I'm not worried, because a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that."
- [laughter]
- Mike Birbiglia: Now, what I *should* have said was nothing. What I *did* say was "you'd be surprised."
- [laughter]
- Mike Birbiglia: Which is really hard to segue out of, you know?
- Mike Birbiglia: I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy.
- [laughter]
- [about visiting his parents]
- Mike Birbiglia: My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I'm home. He's like "you're really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer." I'm like "you're so bad at computers, you should be a caveman."
- [laughter]
- Mike Birbiglia: I had my mom fax me something recently. And then she called me up and said "hey, Mike, could you fax that back? That's my only copy."
- [laughter]
- Mike Birbiglia: Yeah, that actually happened. And I'm trying to figure out how she thought the machine worked, you know? Like whether the paper goes through the air...
- [laughter]