- Carlton Lassiter: If I find you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I find at you.
- Shawn Spencer: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacreligious to me, don't you think?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Shawn has called Gus out of work by saying his "cat" is in the hospital] So now I have a cat?
- Shawn Spencer: An orange tabby. Last Christmas you made her a tiny Santa hat - it was adorable.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Fantastic - I can't even have a make-believe boy cat.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Pickles?
- Shawn Spencer: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.
- Juliet O'Hara: [about Shawn] You're not going to shoot him are you?
- Carlton Lassiter: I haven't decided yet.
- Security Guard: Who called you? Mike?
- Shawn Spencer: Mike? Is this a big joke to you? I don't answer to Mike. Have you seen Mike lately? Mike can kiss my ass.
- Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!
- Shawn Spencer: What, you mean like, an impersonator?
- Gus: No, I think it was *actually* Patrick Swayze!
- Shawn Spencer: [walking into hallway with Lassiter] If this is some kind of hazing ritual where we're going to end up naked in a river somewhere, I'll need to arrange for a ride home.
- Shawn Spencer: [talking to Gus about Gus' imaginary cat] I'm not sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
- Shawn Spencer: I made a list of suspects after attending Lassiter's briefing.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He lets you into his briefing?
- Shawn Spencer: He does when you're in the air shaft.
- Shawn Spencer: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! She's running? In those heels? Really?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We have to chase her, too?
- Shawn Spencer: We have no evidence except for that ring!
- Shawn Spencer: No Lacey, because you... have magic hands. Which I was really looking forward to on Friday.
- Shawn Spencer: Let me gather some information, alright? Make a little headway? Then I'll have a psychic episode that blows the ears right off their skulls.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus here is a safe expert. Yes, he subscribes to the safe cracker... safe cracking... comic book.
- Gus: It's an online magazine. And it's a trade publication.
- [Shawn is talking about a fake girl cat he made up as an excuse to get Gus out of the office]
- Gus: Great. I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my needs nearly as well. Next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
- Gus: "Pickles?"
- Shawn Spencer: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
- Shawn Spencer: [while in Lassiter's room] Are you gonna have some cookies?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: NO!
- Shawn Spencer: Do you wanna finish my banana?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanna leave!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We have less than twelve hours to crack the case, and you're throwing a kegger in a police officer's room!
- Juliet O'Hara: [on Lassiter's theory of the crime] It does seem very elaborate.
- McNab: And just a bit far-fetched.
- Carlton Lassiter: Are you a detective? Why are you here?
- McNab: You asked for all of us to come.
- Carlton Lassiter: Oh, well, officer, since you're such an expert on fetching, why don't you go fetch me a cup of coffee?
- Shawn Spencer: [to Lassiter] If this is some sort of hazing ritual where we're going to end up naked in a river somewhere, I'll need to arrange for a ride home.
- Carlton Lassiter: Listen to me Spencer. The department's reputation is on the line with this one. If I catch you anywhere near this case I will throw every book I can find at you.
- Shawn Spencer: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that, too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don't you think?