The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Dibley Live (1998)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Reverend Geraldine Granger : You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.

  Frank Pickle : Toast.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.

  Frank Pickle : Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast.

• Jim Trott : Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.

  Geraldine Granger : Is it?

  Jim Trott : It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.

• [last lines] 

  Geraldine Granger : And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.

• [post credits] 

  Geraldine Granger : So there's this man vicar...

  Alice Tinker : Oh!

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.

  Alice Tinker : John.

  Geraldine Granger : John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.

  Alice Tinker : Oh, dear.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"

  Alice Tinker : Uh-oh.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"

  Alice Tinker : No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.

  Geraldine Granger : It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?

• Geraldine : For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?

• [first lines] 

  David Horton : Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?

  Owen Newitt : Yes, tear it up.

  David Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Owen Newitt : Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.

  Jim Trott : No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.

  Geraldine Granger : No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.

  Jim Trott : Yes, that is Wimbledon.

  David Horton : Oh, come on. We did all right last year.

  Geraldine Granger : We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!

  David Horton : Is that right?

  Geraldine Granger : Remember Denfield?

  David Horton : Well, how could one forget those poor people?

  Hugo Horton : Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?

  Geraldine Granger : And they came fifty-third.

  David Horton : Point taken.

  [crumples the form] 

  David Horton : Let's forget it.

• Geraldine Granger : Hello, and welcome to our final special programme: Brain of Dibley.

  Jingle : Tune into Dibley Radio for fun with the holy lady-o!

  Geraldine Granger : Our contestants tonight are the reigning champion, Councillor David Horton, MBE, MA, FRCS; and the challenger, Miss Alice Tinker, GCSE, PMT, TTFN!

  [Everyone applauds] 

  Geraldine Granger : And tonight's quiz has a local flavour. So, let's kick off. And, fingers on buttons.

  [Alice touches the buttons of her cardigan] 

  Geraldine Granger : That's the button on the *table*, Alice!

• Geraldine Granger : I think we have a caller on Line 1! Hello, caller.

  [Alice presses the answer button on the phone] 

  David Horton : [Over the phone]  Vicar, is that you?

  Geraldine Granger : It is indeed! Is that David Horton, local Councillor, Chairman of the Parish?

  David Horton : You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.

  Geraldine Granger : David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually...

  David Horton : I'm cancelling. I'm sorry, I don't want that Alice moron asking me damned fool questions.

  [Geraldine glances over at Alice] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Sternly]  David...

  David Horton : And it's no good telling me that you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview!

  [the others are taken aback] 

  David Horton : They're idiots to a man. Have to cancel, talk to you later.

  Geraldine Granger : Er, David. Just before you go. Just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?

  David Horton : Well... they're terrible if you must know.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww. Really painful, very embarrassing? A little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?

  David Horton : Yes. Well, it is actually - my lavatory hasn't known what's hit it in the last few weeks.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww, aww. Well... thank you, David *Haemorrhoid* Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone in!

  [She smiles smugly] 

  Geraldine Granger : Anything else you'd like to add?

  [Long pause] 

  David Horton : [Disguising his voice]  And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice!

  [Geraldine sighs] 

  David Horton : Bet I had you all fooled, eh?

  [laughs]