The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Bad Neighbors (1996)

Harry Shearer: Dick, Ned Flanders, Dr. Julius Hibbert, Principal Skinner, George H.W. Bush, Lenny

Quotes 

• Bart : Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anybody, George?

  George Bush : You know in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.

  Bart : [sarcastically]  Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George.

• George Bush : Ohh, if he thinks George Bush will stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush.

• Homer : [in an exaggerated tone]  Yoo-hoo.!

  George Bush : Who is it?

  Homer : [in an exaggerated tone]  It's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad.

  George Bush : Oh, good.

  [yells] 

  George Bush : Bar! The boys are in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.

  Barbara Bush : Oh, George! Is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.

  [George Bush steps outside the front door as the cardboard cutouts roll upwards] 

  George Bush : Boys? Where are you going?

  Homer : [shouts to Bart as he is on the roof]  Okay, son. Give him the glue!

  [Bart squeezes glue onto George's head from the roof and Homer slaps a rainbow afro wig on and runs away] 

• [President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbors'] 

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : [confused]  I- I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?

  George Bush : [annoyed]  No! That's not Bar and me. It's them.

  [Bush points at the Simpsons' house] 

  Ned Flanders : Who? Maude and me?

  George Bush : No. The man and his boy. You know, the- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.

  [calls in to his wife, Barbara] 

  George Bush : Bar! What's the name of the man?

  Barbara Bush : [calling out to George]  I'm not getting involved, George.

  George Bush : Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I guess I'll just take it down.

• George Bush : What the- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me.

  Bart : Where'd you get those pajamas?

  George Bush : They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president.

  Bart : Yes, I am.

  George Bush : D- No, you're not. Bar!

• [Bart is rummaging through the Bush's ktchen drawers] 

  Bart : Hey, where's your candy?

  George Bush : We don't have any. Now go away!

  Barbara Bush : George! Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies if you like.

  George Bush : [under his breath]  Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me.

  Barbara Bush : What's that?

  George Bush : Oh, nothing.

• [Bart has accidentally shredded George's memoirs and George turns toward him angrily] 

  Bart : Whoa, man!

  George Bush : Whoa, nothing. I'm going to do something your daddy should have done a long time ago.

  [George turns Bart over his knee and spanks him] 

  George Bush : Now go home and think about what you've done, young man!

• Homer : For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!

  George Bush : Never! You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.

  Homer : [to Bart]  You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs.

  Homer : [yells at George]  Never!

• Maude Flanders : What brings you to Springfield?

  Barbara Bush : Well, George and I just wanted to be private citizens again, go where nobody cared about politics. So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.

  George Bush : Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams.

  Rod Flanders : But, Mr. President, we're not all good people.

  Todd Flanders : There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy.

  Ned Flanders : [laughing nervously]  Now, Todd, don't scare the president.

  [as if on cue, they see Bart skateboard past] 

• George Bush : [giving a speech]  And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms.

  [as the audience applauds, it's revealed he tried to cut off the rainbow-colored wig Homer and Bart glued on] 

  George Bush : Now, are there any questions?

  [hands are raised] 

  George Bush : Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair.

• George Bush : I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet

• [George is showing Bart his photo albums] 

  Bart : Who's that, George?

  George Bush : That's me with Charlton Heston. He was...

  Bart : [interrupts]  ... Who's that, George?

  George Bush : You wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was secretary of...

  Bart : [interrupts]  ... That's a dumb name. Who's that, George?

  George Bush : [annoyed]  Maybe he thinks Bart is a dumb...

  Bart : [interrupts]  ... How many times were you president, George?

  George Bush : Just once.

• Barbara Bush : George! This is the last straw. You apologize to Homer right now!

  George Bush : But Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.

  Barbara Bush : [reproachful]  George...

  George Bush : Yes, dear.

• Homer : You owe me an apology.

  George Bush : Hey, you owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.

• George Bush : Hi, there, neighbors. Uh, I'm... George Bush.

  [shocked stares] 

  George Bush : Former President George Bush?

  [murmurs of recognition] 

  Homer : Okay, let's give it up for the new guy. Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again.

• Bart : Hey, what's this?

  George Bush : My electric card shuffler. Don't go near the...

  [Bart sends cards flying everywhere] 

  George Bush : Now, I told you. Oh... those cards were from Air Force One, and they only give you so many packs.

  Barbara Bush : Oh, George, boys will be boys. Bart's just being friendly. Why don't you get off that sofa and show Bart your photos?

  George Bush : Oh, but he'll gunk 'em all up. His hands are probably covered with mud and cookies.

  [Bart shows him his clean hands] 

  George Bush : Well... probably stole a napkin.

• Homer : [pulling into the Krusty Burger drive-thru]  Oh, man! I only got one minute 'til they stop serving those breakfast balls.

  [seeing another car already in line] 

  Homer : D'oh!

  George Bush : Let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a Krusty Burger. That doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [over the intercom]  Uh, we don't have stew.

  Ray Johnson : [Homer starts honking his horn impatiently]  Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?

  George Bush : Oh, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.

  Homer : Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!

  George Bush : That guy is louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?

  Ray Johnson : [going back to Homer's car]  Sir, could you pop your hood?

  Homer : [as he does so, Ray disables the horn]  Hey! My taxes paid for that horn.

• Marge : Are you interested in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner?

  Principal Skinner : [she turns it on]  Hmm... it's awfully loud.

  Marge : Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack.

  Principal Skinner : [scoffing as she does so]  But now the ties are motionless, and those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point, as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass.

  [leaving, then coming back] 

  Principal Skinner : Have you sold that tie rack yet?

  Marge : No.

  Principal Skinner : I'll take it.

• Ray Johnson : You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers.

  Homer : Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Ooh! Well, *you* are a wimp!

  George Bush : [his lip trembling]  Wimp... am I? Agent Johnson? Agent Heintz? You men, stand down.

  [shrugging, they do so, and he opens the gate] 

  George Bush : All right, mister. You want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.

  Homer : Oh, I want trouble, all right.

  George Bush : Then you're gonna get trouble.

  Homer : No, *you're* gonna get trouble.

  George Bush : Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble.

  Homer : Then we're agreed there'll be trouble.

  George Bush : Oh, yeah, lots of trouble.

  Homer : Trouble, it is.

  George Bush : For you.

  Homer : For...

  [Bush slams his front door] 

  Homer : D'oh!

• Ned Flanders : [providing running commentary on the rummage sale]  Well, sir, looks like we got some nice items here at table Glick. Like this; what the heckaroonie is this, Mrs. Glick?

  Mrs. Glick : [taking his microphone]  It is a candy dish, Ned. $90.

  Ned Flanders : Uh-huh. Well, I, uh... I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there.

  Mrs. Glick : No! Just candy, Ned. $90.

  Ned Flanders : [leaving, he sees a realtor putting a "sold" sign on the house across the street]  Well, looks like somebody sold something today.

• Ned Flanders : Howdily-doodily, there, President Bush. Or should I say President neighbor? I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod, and Todd.

  George Bush : Well, howdily-doodily yourself there, Ned. This is my wife, Barbara. Call her Bar. Would you like some lemonade?

  Ned Flanders : Tip-top-notch!

  George Bush : Okily-dokily.

  Ned Flanders : Thankily-dankily.

  [taking a sip] 

  Ned Flanders : Greatalicious.

  George Bush : Scrumpdiddlerific!

  Ned Flanders , George Bush : Fine and dandy like sour candy.

  George Bush : Bar's a whiz with cold drinks, aren't you, Bar? Don't understand lemonade myself. Not my forte.

• George Bush : [after doing donuts in the Simpsons' front yard, satisfied with his work]  Hmm. Can't decide if this'll be considered feisty or crazy.