- Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
- Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
- Homer: Well what do you call it?
- Moe Szyslak: A car hole!
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
- Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog!
- [uses a hand puppet]
- Marge: Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!
- Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs." But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy."
- Homer: But Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
- [Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun]
- Homer Simpson: Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
- Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer.
- Homer Simpson: All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per
- [Lenny slugs Homer]
- Homer Simpson: Oww!
- Marge: [thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicap spaces...
- [out loud]
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?
- Marge: Homer, I'm on duty.
- Homer: [chuckles] That's OK, I'm supposed to be working, too.
- Marge: You have to move your car.
- Homer: I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
- [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs-up]
- Marge: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car, now.
- Homer: I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
- Marge: Oh, that's it! I'm going to write you a ticket.
- Homer: But Marge, we're family!
- Marge: You're breaking the law.
- Homer: I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat.
- [snatches it]
- Marge: Hey!
- [Homer dances around, wearing her cap. As Marge grabs for it, a crowd assembles to watch]
- Marge: Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
- Homer: Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? "Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you...!"
- [Marge snaps handcuffs on him]
- Homer: Wha-what? Marge, not here! Hey... you're not really arresting me?
- Marge: [replacing her cap] You have the right to remain silent.
- Homer: I choose to waive that right.
- [freaks out]
- Homer: WAAAAAAAGGH! WAAH, WAAAAH!
- Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is *not* something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
- Man: [screaming] Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
- Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"!
- [leaves]
- Lionel Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
- [Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring]
- Chief Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.
- Homer Simpson: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
- Chief Wiggum: They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.
- [All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans]
- Chief Wiggum: Lookin' good boys!
- Homer: I picked up a nudie deck for our game. "The Girls of the Internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them any day!
- Marge: That's it! There's too much corruption in this force. I quit.
- [the other cops burst into laughter. The laughter dies down gradually]
- Chief Wiggum: Sorry to lose you, Simpson.